Hurting...
Woke up early with my back hurting. It really does hurt bad
a lot of the time. My ex never understood that. What, I LIKE
to wake up in sharp lower back pain at 6:15 a.m.? I tried to go back to
sleep, but it didn't work.
I'm feeling really low right now. Mentally, physically. I know
I should be happy right now about Fridays' developments,
and I am, but it doesn't magically negate whatever else is
going on in my life.
I don't mean to be a complainer. It's just that I have all this stuff
swirling around inside my mind...
I think my ex is in some sort of trouble, for one thing.
For another, I haven't really talked about my marriage, until now.
I felt very protective of my ex, and also I was/am ashamed of the
things he's done and said.
The thing is, I always believed him when he said mean things to me,
insulting things. I think I told myself " Well, he's so damned bright,
and right about other things all the time, he must be right about this,
too." In other words, the fact that I'm a dumbass. Must be true. Or
that I would be on the corner selling pencils, if it wasn't for him.
Or worse yet, one day after I'd moved out, but I needed a ride to the
hospital and had a fever of almost 102, he said " You know, no one
would want you. Not if they knew you. No one would put up with your
shit the way I have." By "shit" he meant things like taking me to the hospital.
And, in fact, that day turned out to be really serious. I'm on heart meds now,
because it was determined that my heart beats too fast all the time. And when I
got that fever, it tweeked my heartbeat and made my blood pressure go up over 200.
So it was a pre-existing unknown heart condition, basically.
I remember it so clearly, sitting in his truck, being really scared and really dizzy, not
knowing why I feel like this, I'm not on crack or speed or anything like that!
And S, driving, and saying " You know, no one would want you..."
I remember basically just collapsing in tears and feeling seriously dizzy and sick.
The thing is, he never once apologized for anything in our marriage. And he never apologized
for this, either. He's done and said much worse and never felt sorry. So why would he feel
bad about this?
I literally almost died the next day, because the hospital didn't check me out thoroughly
and sent me home. It was the fever, it threw them off. They said " You're sick, go home"
The next day at home, suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I'd been feeling so dizzy, yes, but in addition
to this now my heart felt like it wouldn't slow down. It just decided to go crazy, for no reason.
So I'm dizzy, my heart is racing, I feel nauseated, and now I realize that I've been taking
little breaths and it's getting worse. I suddenly couldn't breathe at all! My chest hurt, felt heavy and strange.
So I actually called 911... I had to!
When the paramedics got there , they plugged me in to everything, and saw that my heart was
beating a bunch of extra beats, and my blood pressure was OVER 200! Sprayed nitroglycerin
into my mouth. Etc.
One of the guys was so sweet, he was mad that the ER had let me go yesterday even though
I'd tried to tell the nurses about my heart and the dizziness.
The paramedic said " I can't believe they missed this!" And looked really disgusted.
Anyway, I wound up having to to be shot with lidocaine? Over and over, all the way to the hospital. I think it was lidocaine. I was in bad shape.
I know for a fact that I absolutely would have died or had a massive stroke had I not called 911.
The reason I mention this :
When I was in the ambulance, thinking I was dying, I couldn't stop remembering what
my ex had said the day before. And I was afraid I was going to die unloved and alone.
And I almost did. My brother lives in another city, my parents are gone, my ex and his
family were my world.
So I did literally almost die alone and unloved, with my ex's hurtful words replaying in my mind.
It's like this stuff hurts so bad and is so...embarrassing, that I couldn't talk about it before.
But just lately I'm feeling a little more confident or something. Less like I'm a piece of shit.
He called me that in an email once, said " You are a piece of shit." And other things. Not " you
are a lying piece of shit" or anything like that, merely " You, your mere existence, you are shit."
So. That is what's going on with me, I'm still trying to get over all these things. Doing a little
better despite what it sounds like.
But I still feel low and sad too often. Unresolved issues. Things left unsaid, questions left unanswered.
I'm going to post this before I lose my nerve.
a lot of the time. My ex never understood that. What, I LIKE
to wake up in sharp lower back pain at 6:15 a.m.? I tried to go back to
sleep, but it didn't work.
I'm feeling really low right now. Mentally, physically. I know
I should be happy right now about Fridays' developments,
and I am, but it doesn't magically negate whatever else is
going on in my life.
I don't mean to be a complainer. It's just that I have all this stuff
swirling around inside my mind...
I think my ex is in some sort of trouble, for one thing.
For another, I haven't really talked about my marriage, until now.
I felt very protective of my ex, and also I was/am ashamed of the
things he's done and said.
The thing is, I always believed him when he said mean things to me,
insulting things. I think I told myself " Well, he's so damned bright,
and right about other things all the time, he must be right about this,
too." In other words, the fact that I'm a dumbass. Must be true. Or
that I would be on the corner selling pencils, if it wasn't for him.
Or worse yet, one day after I'd moved out, but I needed a ride to the
hospital and had a fever of almost 102, he said " You know, no one
would want you. Not if they knew you. No one would put up with your
shit the way I have." By "shit" he meant things like taking me to the hospital.
And, in fact, that day turned out to be really serious. I'm on heart meds now,
because it was determined that my heart beats too fast all the time. And when I
got that fever, it tweeked my heartbeat and made my blood pressure go up over 200.
So it was a pre-existing unknown heart condition, basically.
I remember it so clearly, sitting in his truck, being really scared and really dizzy, not
knowing why I feel like this, I'm not on crack or speed or anything like that!
And S, driving, and saying " You know, no one would want you..."
I remember basically just collapsing in tears and feeling seriously dizzy and sick.
The thing is, he never once apologized for anything in our marriage. And he never apologized
for this, either. He's done and said much worse and never felt sorry. So why would he feel
bad about this?
I literally almost died the next day, because the hospital didn't check me out thoroughly
and sent me home. It was the fever, it threw them off. They said " You're sick, go home"
The next day at home, suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I'd been feeling so dizzy, yes, but in addition
to this now my heart felt like it wouldn't slow down. It just decided to go crazy, for no reason.
So I'm dizzy, my heart is racing, I feel nauseated, and now I realize that I've been taking
little breaths and it's getting worse. I suddenly couldn't breathe at all! My chest hurt, felt heavy and strange.
So I actually called 911... I had to!
When the paramedics got there , they plugged me in to everything, and saw that my heart was
beating a bunch of extra beats, and my blood pressure was OVER 200! Sprayed nitroglycerin
into my mouth. Etc.
One of the guys was so sweet, he was mad that the ER had let me go yesterday even though
I'd tried to tell the nurses about my heart and the dizziness.
The paramedic said " I can't believe they missed this!" And looked really disgusted.
Anyway, I wound up having to to be shot with lidocaine? Over and over, all the way to the hospital. I think it was lidocaine. I was in bad shape.
I know for a fact that I absolutely would have died or had a massive stroke had I not called 911.
The reason I mention this :
When I was in the ambulance, thinking I was dying, I couldn't stop remembering what
my ex had said the day before. And I was afraid I was going to die unloved and alone.
And I almost did. My brother lives in another city, my parents are gone, my ex and his
family were my world.
So I did literally almost die alone and unloved, with my ex's hurtful words replaying in my mind.
It's like this stuff hurts so bad and is so...embarrassing, that I couldn't talk about it before.
But just lately I'm feeling a little more confident or something. Less like I'm a piece of shit.
He called me that in an email once, said " You are a piece of shit." And other things. Not " you
are a lying piece of shit" or anything like that, merely " You, your mere existence, you are shit."
So. That is what's going on with me, I'm still trying to get over all these things. Doing a little
better despite what it sounds like.
But I still feel low and sad too often. Unresolved issues. Things left unsaid, questions left unanswered.
I'm going to post this before I lose my nerve.
posted by Nabonidus at 7:27 AM
3 Comments:
I'm glad you posted. Getting it out stops it doing quite so much damage inside. Two things about men who are mean. First off they are projecting their rubbish (trash?) onto us. So we gotta learn not to be the rubbish bin (trash can)! Would you eat rotten food? Well, don't allow yourself to eat emotional pultrefaction either! (haha I knew I had a problem when I found myself picking green mould off the bread before I toasted it!!) And the second...well, if you read my blog you might get an inkling. ;-)
And if you feel the description fits, you are welcome to join the companeras. We're all working through our own stuff at our own pace. :-)
Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog, I appreciate it! It drives me to write more, knowing people are actually reading it! I didn't think anyone was, actually.
I agree with what you say, and it's only now that I am realizing that I am not responsible for my ex's problems.He was messed up long before I came into his life. I guess I must have felt like I deserved to eat rotten food, to do it for so long!
BTW, I did check out your blog, you are pretty naked, too! : )
I liked how you wrote about your son without the normal blinders that a mother has.
It's clear that you love him, but you also seem to see him clearly.
I thought that was rather unique.
Again, thanks for reading (and commenting on) my blog! : )
PS I saw this and thought of you (and a few other women I know, too)!! ;-)
http://www.happywomanmagazine.com/Features/Prozac.htm
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