Healing...

I think I might be starting to heal from the past couple of years
of loss. Losing my parents, my husband, my ex-first love and mentor
Mike, some friends that were my friends when I was married, but not now
that I am single. My in-laws. Death and divorce.
Real loss.

I swear it was fate that put me in contact with certain people lately.
Recently, out of the blue, I became interested in checking out other people's
blogs. Started checking out all the blogs I could, when previously I would
just concentrate on my own. When I would log in, I would skip all the listings of
other people's blogs.
So recently, when I was logging in, a blog title caught my eye. I checked it out,
then checked out a couple of others, and wound up meeting the neatest, sunniest,
funniest, sweetest people. They've really been cheering me up lately.
It's nice to be able to smile and laugh again, and talking to other people. I've been so lonely,
for so long.
Last Christmas, I found to my horror that my next door neighbors must've heard me weeping and carrying on. I didn't realize that they had a side door in their dining room that was open, and they were eating christmas dinner. The side door faced my window, I was sooo embarrassed when the neighbor showed up out of the blue to invite me to dinner. I went, but jeez, It was embarrassing. The looks on their faces, they all felt sorry for me.
Been spending christmases and birthdays and all other holidays alone for a couple of years now.
It's weird being all alone in the world. I don't have any family except for one brother in L.A.
he doesn't celebrate christmas. I've been trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself these past
recent years.

But to get back to what I was trying to say, I've been feeling slightly less alone since finding these blog friends. However fleeting , however far away, I'm happy to have them
in my life right now.
I'm very much living in the now when it comes to appreciating them. I guess that might be
a positive side- effect from all this loss, I don't take love for granted anymore, I treasure
the kindness of other people in a way that I never did when I was younger.
I'm so used to people being unkind, cruel, that now when I meet and talk to nice people,
I marvel at their kindness.
I remember when I first got divorced, meeting people here and there, grocery store,
laundromat. When they were nice to me, sometimes I would go away and cry, and whisper
to myself " Thank you for being nice to me."
Because I guess I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated nicely. I didn't deserve for people to like me. I'd been trapped in the house for so many years, I would literally go months without ever even going out once. All I knew was cruelty.
So I guess I was shellshocked when I finally saw the sun again.

When I finally went outside again, the sounds seemed louder, the colors brighter,
and I felt dizzy with being overwhelmed. The sun was blinding. It was like sensory overload. So it was in this
state that I was being overwhelmed by people's kindness.
I am at this moment coming to terms with the fact that I was abused. : (

I guess my pride didn't want to let me admit it. I am admitting it now for the first time.
If your husband sabotages the car so you can't ever leave, and he knows you can't walk far
because of your back injuries, and he doesn't let you do anything, and tells you that you
are scum, a piece of shit that no one would want, that's abuse. If he hits you and chokes you, that's abuse. He controlled everything. Even the shampoo I used, the tampons I used.
He chose everything. I had no say.
It's embarrassing to admit it. I never could talk about this before. I was too scared. Too
proud. My ex knew I had no family, no one to speak up for me, check up on me. He was
able to take advantage of this.
I'm going to stop now. I'm crying hard as I type this. Yet I'm refusing to be anything other than naked now. Naked writing. I'm spewing what's in my soul. My secrets.
But I wanted to say that I appreciate the new people I've been meeting thanks to my blog.
I appreciate you. You have been good for my soul. I'm going to post this before I lose my nerve.