Came Close....
Last night I was drunk and suicidal. I even posted about it, left a post up about being
close. That's what I wrote. " I am so close right now. And I've never had such easy ways to kill myself. Heart meds that slow my heart down, pills that would knock me out, plus alcohol."
I was so close last night. I wrote about how I could buy a Rickenbacher, someone offered me one. But that nothing mattered anymore. Wrote about feeling sorry for myself, I knew it sounded like a pity -party.
It's Monday morning and I looked and I must have deleted the post because I knew it would scare people. I really came so close to doing something lethal last night to myself. If you did happen to come by last night and see that post, you know it was bad. Actually, it would have alarmed anyone that had read it.
Anyway.
It's Monday morning and here I am. And whilst I'm having a hard time, nothing makes depression worse like alcohol.
Please, anyone, anyone that reads this, if you have problems with depression and drink, at least try to give up the drink. It makes it all so much worse. I almost died last night. I literally almost died last night. I had my bottle of rum, I had heart pills, all of it lined up here in front of me. It wasn't fear that kept me from swallowing the pills and alcohol. It was the thought that I might hurt people by doing it. That's the only reason I am alive this morning. Also I thought of Nick Drake and how I felt when I learned he'd died so young. How he'd died. Not that I am Nick Drake.
And I'm glad that I am alive this morning. As bad as I feel I don't feel as bad as I did last night. God I came close!
close. That's what I wrote. " I am so close right now. And I've never had such easy ways to kill myself. Heart meds that slow my heart down, pills that would knock me out, plus alcohol."
I was so close last night. I wrote about how I could buy a Rickenbacher, someone offered me one. But that nothing mattered anymore. Wrote about feeling sorry for myself, I knew it sounded like a pity -party.
It's Monday morning and I looked and I must have deleted the post because I knew it would scare people. I really came so close to doing something lethal last night to myself. If you did happen to come by last night and see that post, you know it was bad. Actually, it would have alarmed anyone that had read it.
Anyway.
It's Monday morning and here I am. And whilst I'm having a hard time, nothing makes depression worse like alcohol.
Please, anyone, anyone that reads this, if you have problems with depression and drink, at least try to give up the drink. It makes it all so much worse. I almost died last night. I literally almost died last night. I had my bottle of rum, I had heart pills, all of it lined up here in front of me. It wasn't fear that kept me from swallowing the pills and alcohol. It was the thought that I might hurt people by doing it. That's the only reason I am alive this morning. Also I thought of Nick Drake and how I felt when I learned he'd died so young. How he'd died. Not that I am Nick Drake.
And I'm glad that I am alive this morning. As bad as I feel I don't feel as bad as I did last night. God I came close!
posted by Nabonidus at 9:43 AM
23 Comments:
Lisa,
Drink does make the pain and depression worse. Please do not let this go too far. There is always a road back as long as there is life left. I have had my moments also. It is very brave of you to post this. Find someone to talk about this with. My email addy is on my blog. If you want, send me an email and I will respond with my telephone number. You can call me collect if you need someone to talk to. That means anytime 24/7. You have so much to offer.
Thank you Joe. I appreciate you reminding me of my being brave, I forgot! Weird, people have told me that a lot. And strong. People claim that I'm strong. But I don't feel strong or brave. I feel tired.
That is one thing I wrote last night, I remember. That I was tired. And I spilled it all as to why.
But I can't talk about other people and events in my life here. I wish I could! It would explain so much.
But what matters is that you have offered to be there for me, and I appreciate that so much. I will keep your offer in mind.:)
It's hard for me to reach out to people, though .Ballerina Girl has been so sweet to me over a long time and given me her number and I've not ever called her. It's just hard for me to talk these days! I am trying not to be this way! I feel bad about it, too. How I isolate myself. Speaking of which,
At least the alcohol is an isolated incident for me. I actually rarely drink, especially to the point of being drunk or losing control. Heh,
last night reminded me of why I don't.
Anyway, thanks again Joe.:)
BTW Joe, them was some wise words you spoke:
"There is always a road back as long as there is life left."
I know this to be true, I have known it quite profoundly at certain times in my life.
No need to be ashamed Lisa. We are here for you, you know. I'm sorry you are having rough period in your life. Like Joe says, the drink will cause the depression to deepen. I got blazing drunk one night years ago, really really drunk, and I left myself and apparently other people who I worked with messages on their phones, I wanted to disapear once I figured out what I had done, but I got through it, I don't even remember exactly what I said, but apparently it was really embarassing. I don't drink enough to even qualify as a social drinker nowadays, I grew out of it. My Mum has problems with alcohol as I'm sure I told you. We all have these things happen to us. I'm glad you did not do something to yourself Lisa.
And remember, The Who, March 1st, you can't miss that now can you?
;-)
Lisa,
I am relieved that you didn't do it. Firstly, because you are very important. Secondly, because you would have let someone else win.
Ha! You are right Maria!Thanks, my friend.
And that was a big factor for me, I didn't want him to think I did it for him. He's not worth that.
I had explained in my deleted post about various factors, not just him.
But he would have thought I did it for him. Everyone would have thought that, probably. If there wasn't a note.
I think my blog last night was a suicide note of sorts. I came back and deleted it when I knew I wasn't going to do it.I'm glad too.
Thanks Gary, you've been so great. :)xoxoxoLisa
Some of it is physical pain -related.
I live with intense pain and when one gets upset, pain gets worse. My Dr. told me that is the case with everyone when it comes to pain.
So I've had so much emotional/ mental pain these days, making the other worse. Sucks to be walking/limping around in intense physical/mental pain at the same time. No wonder.
And I won't be on drugs,pain pills to the point of being out of control, high.
I'm trying so hard to be ok. :(
Yeah, that makes perfect sense, it's psychosomatic, the mental pain affecting the physical pain and vice versa.
The important thing is that you keep trying, even with all the pain.
Lisa, is it back problem that you are taking meds? Reason I ask, had dinner with a fellow who had bad bad bad back, they cured him with a new treatment, no surgery, kind of like traction, allows disc to oxygenate, he went 26 times, 30 minutes per session, got used to going to these appointments and getting his nap. Anyhow, he stopped all medication, is pain free. Just curious if it is back related and if you have thought about some different treatment.
Aw, Gary, if I thought it would help, I'd do it. But it's a lot more complicated. It's... I would need more surgeries, probably several. It's not a disc related thing, although those
could be involved with some. There's shrapnel involved. Lot's of shrapnel.
I don't talk about it. But I do appreciate those ideas for the discs and vertebrae, sounds intriguing. :)
There's a lot of nerve damage on the
front of my body, as well. I wouldn't know where to begin. It's a wonder i am walking around. That's part of why people say I'm strong. Drs say I'm strong. :)
And Maria, I'm so glad that you could picture how gnarly it is. It's kind of nice being able to talk about it a little. :)
Basically I'm dealing with a remarkable amount of pain and it gets to be too much.
I have shrapnel on the "nerve roots of the sciatica" the sciatic nerves, etc. and in various other places. Where the
roots of the nerves are, etc.
Arthritis.Etc Etc.
I also have this condition where hot weather and hot water burns my skin, my body. It's excruciating. It's from the damage.:(
Thats enough to know, I hate thinking about it.
I love you guys. I really do. :)
Eeek, I remembered something else. I have a shattered hip that never healed
right, they said that I needed a hip transplant but that I'm too young for them. Since they need to be replaced
after awhile. Fake hips don't last long. I can't remember what all is causing me trouble lol.
The hip has been bothering me more lately. Because of the stress.
I feel like a big complainer now.Heheh.:)
I didn't mean to use the term "Etc "
so much when describing this stuff. It was basically because I really do have so much wrong that I have trouble trying to list it all. Some things don't bother me that much, like the spinal arthritis.
But I wanted to apologize for using Etc too much, in case it sounded like I was being sarcastic or something.
I was just trying to be jokey as usual. :)
Oooh, I do have some discs out of whack! This was just a few years ago, one doctor asked me if I wanted to fuse some of my spine together, I said no. Like, put a rod in my spine, or something! I said forget it! It was because i do have some discs all messed up in a row or something. Hmm...
I'm so glad I declined that. i think I'm ok without it.
Depression? Well, yes, hard for me to know what it must be like. I do know it was fun to see you in L.A., if that means anything. And yes, I did watch your purse like a hawk, when you asked, as you likely went to the powder room.
These really are good times, they really, truly are. It can be hard to see at times, but it is always there. It is what drags me outta bed every day. I look forward to another chance...each and every day.
See ya!
Peace,
--Dan L.
Lisa,
I'm so glad you didn't go through with that! I understand how things can get so bad that it feels like you can't get through them. I've been there. I been through hell too, but I got through it and out, but it wasn't easy.
Even if we can't be there for you in person, at least we are here if you ever want to talk.
OH Lisa...I'm so glad you didn't do it. You're a special person and a wonderful Blogging friend. Don't let the bastards get you down!
I'm sorry to hear you live with so much physical pain. That must be hard! I can't even imagine that or relate to it...I just want you to know that I'm here for you, if you need to talk....you have my e-mail.
Do you take anti-depressants? I have family on them, and they help tremendously.
Actually, Mary Beth, thanks for suggesting anti-depressants. Wellbutrin has probably saved my life.
I believe it helped me with my divorce.
So I appreciate what you are saying, bigtime. Because they helped me. :) xoxoLisa
Note*
Alright MB!!! That photo looks so F*cking great! I wasn't kidding, you look so beautiful! What a stunning smile! :)
Thanks, Lisa!! :) You're making me blush!!
But it's true. And you have great skin. :)
Dear, kind Lisa,
You are here, and you are precious and beautiful. Remember Pete's lyrics and comments on the song, below? Every moment is precious.
Please don't brave this alone. If you are clinically depressed, there are meds. and there's counseling and support groups. Please>and you're so right, combining alcohol with depression is very dangerous.
I haven't ever met you, but your spirit has reached me. And your singing and playing, too. In fact, when I heard the Who singing "Teenage Wasteland" (I know, not the real title) the other night, I heard your voice. I really did!
That may have been the night you were so low, in fact.
I too am psychic and I feel your pain but also your strength. Please be strong, but also lean on people, ok?
Love,
Brina
What beautiful words, Brina! Thank you so much. I'm trying to pull out of it.
You and the others here have helped a lot.xoxoLisa
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