20 *&%$#*&* Pounds!

It's killing me! This is the same 20 pounds I gained earlier this year,
and lost once already. It's come back. It's the same 20 pounds, exactly.
And yet, this 20 pounds makes all the difference to me when I look in the
mirror.
Without this 20, when I look in the mirror I'm basically pleased with what
I see. I don't feel that I look fat.
But this 20 pounds makes me feel awful. When I was walking the other day,
I was passing a few shop windows. I could see my reflection. And I was thinking :
" Look at you! You look huge, disgusting, elephantine!"
I was really feeling bad, making myself feel worse. Now, keep in mind that I actually
have been told that I have a nice figure, it isn't that I'm reeaally overweight.
It's more like I'm inflating this in my mind, it's 20 damned pounds, it's not 50, 100.
But I swear, it really does make a difference in my body-self-image.

So I weighed myself this morning. I had lost 5 of the 20 so far, and was hoping to have lost
2 more. I've been dieting for two weeks now...

And I've gained 2 back! AAAAHHHH!!! &%$*#@!!!!
So it's 17 pounds still to go, before I feel "thin" again. Before I can look in shop windows
as I walk by, and not hate myself and feel that I'm gross.
This sucks, and it's wrong, I know. I shouldn't beat myself up over this. And at least I take walks regularly.
Anyway. >:(