My Life Is Falling Apart...
It's official. I'll be lucky if I'm not homeless this time next month.
Why do I protect him? At the end of this month it would be our 17th wedding anniversary. He took everything during our marriage, stashed it away, kept me ignorant of computer matters and worse, afraid to use them. Then he apparently
spent it, he acts like if I divorce him I'll get nothing, that it's gone, but also
he makes little comments at times that sound mysterious and foreboding. what did he do?
I haven't got anything. He even kept all the flashlights and batteries..so that when I was without power for almost 3 days in Santee due to the fires, I had no flashlights, nothing. The coolers, ice chests,there was nothing useful.It's like he was paranoid that I would be a goldigger so he methodically all through our marriage stashed everything of value away. He even took back a coin that he'd given me as a gift! I brought in some money, but not much, I admit. But that's all he cared about with regards to me. It was steady check.
He doesn't want a divorce because all the facts are going to come out, I'll no doubt be devastated to learn he has a second wife or some such shit. Nothing would surprise me. A Lifetime movie.
And yet he lied to his mom and everyone -Yeah, he's been trashing me when as you all know, I've been good about not trashing my ex. Been lying to his family saying that he's been giving me 2 thousand a month! All this time!
When I have been whittling down whatever I had for savings in my IRA and now I'm broke!
When my Doc tells me that I'm entitled to alimony because of disability!
I have not been getting money from him most of the time these days. Certainly not ever what he claimed! I'm really scared of him, though.
He was just here screaming at me tonight. He was furious with me. Because I asked him to help me with the rent. Because we never bought a house. But if you guys
only knew. I even told him how I've been selling little things off so not to ask him for money. Just to have gas for my car etc.Groceries.
He said that we do need to get the divorce going, I agree. But he doesn't want me to talk to a lawyer or know anything about how this stuff works. He wants me to get a job and thats what he screams at me about. I tell him that I hurt, and that there's reasons I'm on disability, but he says it's not his problem. :( I know it's not but
I thought ...:(
Just so you know,I'm not ungrateful for his help. I'm really not. But I literally spent all of my IRA, etc. I didn't leave the marriage with assets of any kind.
Except for that. He tried to keep it but they tracked me down and gave it to me. Janus the IRA people.. :(
My point is that I can't keep silent about him anymore when I know he's trashing me to his parents, who I love and who loved me a lot..
They know him. I think his parents know they are lies but it still makes me sick and is why I say something NOW.
I'm through protecting him when all he has done is villify me for no reason. And kick me when I'm down.
Just because it makes him easier to live with himself, if he tells himself I'm the devil, and lazy.
He's made himself the victim. But in reality, the facts of everything speak for themselves. I've gone through some self-loathing recently over my failure to stand up for myself and for letting myself get into this situation. For not working even though I genuinely have legit problems.
He doesn't ever read my blog, I don't think.
Aw, you guys, something embarrassing: After he left, one of the neighbor girls came and brought me food! lol I was a little confused, it was very sweet, it was dinner.
Chicken and rice. Really good, although I was too upset at the time.
But the awful part is that when I was walking by my kitchen window, I realized it was open. Yep. :(
She must've heard the whole thing. This happened to me once before a really long time
ago,I've tried to be careful about crying with the window open here. The other neighbors came over then, too.:)
Anyway, that was so sweet of her, but I feel horrified for what she must've heard.
I sounded truly, truly pitiful, pathetic, wimpy, take your pick. Him screaming what a loser I am, me crying.
I guess this is my way of trying to sort this out. I've been crying all night and I'm sick of it. Pardon the rambling :(
I've just been so scared lately.
Why do I protect him? At the end of this month it would be our 17th wedding anniversary. He took everything during our marriage, stashed it away, kept me ignorant of computer matters and worse, afraid to use them. Then he apparently
spent it, he acts like if I divorce him I'll get nothing, that it's gone, but also
he makes little comments at times that sound mysterious and foreboding. what did he do?
I haven't got anything. He even kept all the flashlights and batteries..so that when I was without power for almost 3 days in Santee due to the fires, I had no flashlights, nothing. The coolers, ice chests,there was nothing useful.It's like he was paranoid that I would be a goldigger so he methodically all through our marriage stashed everything of value away. He even took back a coin that he'd given me as a gift! I brought in some money, but not much, I admit. But that's all he cared about with regards to me. It was steady check.
He doesn't want a divorce because all the facts are going to come out, I'll no doubt be devastated to learn he has a second wife or some such shit. Nothing would surprise me. A Lifetime movie.
And yet he lied to his mom and everyone -Yeah, he's been trashing me when as you all know, I've been good about not trashing my ex. Been lying to his family saying that he's been giving me 2 thousand a month! All this time!
When I have been whittling down whatever I had for savings in my IRA and now I'm broke!
When my Doc tells me that I'm entitled to alimony because of disability!
I have not been getting money from him most of the time these days. Certainly not ever what he claimed! I'm really scared of him, though.
He was just here screaming at me tonight. He was furious with me. Because I asked him to help me with the rent. Because we never bought a house. But if you guys
only knew. I even told him how I've been selling little things off so not to ask him for money. Just to have gas for my car etc.Groceries.
He said that we do need to get the divorce going, I agree. But he doesn't want me to talk to a lawyer or know anything about how this stuff works. He wants me to get a job and thats what he screams at me about. I tell him that I hurt, and that there's reasons I'm on disability, but he says it's not his problem. :( I know it's not but
I thought ...:(
Just so you know,I'm not ungrateful for his help. I'm really not. But I literally spent all of my IRA, etc. I didn't leave the marriage with assets of any kind.
Except for that. He tried to keep it but they tracked me down and gave it to me. Janus the IRA people.. :(
My point is that I can't keep silent about him anymore when I know he's trashing me to his parents, who I love and who loved me a lot..
They know him. I think his parents know they are lies but it still makes me sick and is why I say something NOW.
I'm through protecting him when all he has done is villify me for no reason. And kick me when I'm down.
Just because it makes him easier to live with himself, if he tells himself I'm the devil, and lazy.
He's made himself the victim. But in reality, the facts of everything speak for themselves. I've gone through some self-loathing recently over my failure to stand up for myself and for letting myself get into this situation. For not working even though I genuinely have legit problems.
He doesn't ever read my blog, I don't think.
Aw, you guys, something embarrassing: After he left, one of the neighbor girls came and brought me food! lol I was a little confused, it was very sweet, it was dinner.
Chicken and rice. Really good, although I was too upset at the time.
But the awful part is that when I was walking by my kitchen window, I realized it was open. Yep. :(
She must've heard the whole thing. This happened to me once before a really long time
ago,I've tried to be careful about crying with the window open here. The other neighbors came over then, too.:)
Anyway, that was so sweet of her, but I feel horrified for what she must've heard.
I sounded truly, truly pitiful, pathetic, wimpy, take your pick. Him screaming what a loser I am, me crying.
I guess this is my way of trying to sort this out. I've been crying all night and I'm sick of it. Pardon the rambling :(
I've just been so scared lately.
posted by Nabonidus at 12:21 AM
34 Comments:
Lisa,
I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you've had with this man. If I could come over with my curried lentils, I'd be right there.
I hope you find a way to let your fear slow down long enough to get some legal support and send this heartless bastard packing and paying. He sounds cruel and controling and I think he's taken advantage of your sweet nature for too long.
We're always here for you, my dear, and I do hope you'll let us help in any way we can.
xx
AM
Thanks Anne Marie. It means a lot to hear this, seriously. This is the first time as you know that I have really said so much about the situation. I'm hoping this is a start because it took a lot for me to do that. Admit that stuff.
I was ready for a divorce last year.
I told him so. I guess it was no coincidence that he came back suddenly after that :(
A lot of this really has been like a lifetime move.
He plays on the fact that I do want to do something productive,
and he calls my disability money a welfare check. So I'm ashamed of it. Being physically thrashed. I try to play it off most of the time
unless I collapse or something. lol:)
Lisa,
I wish I had something to say that would take away the pain and make it all better. The best advice I can give you is have FAITH. It has nothing to do with religion. Faith is all we have. Faith in something bigger. Faith that good is coming and we not miss it by being distracted by the bad.
Never feel ashamed about the disability money. Or anything. You don't have anything to be ashamed about. On the contrary you need to be proud of yourself for not giving up, for not letting him crush your spirit. I think it's a good start that you have got this out in the public. You will skin him yet.
Just to add: he carries ALL the shame in this. I hope you will soon have the courage to march to the court house and start the divorce proceedings.
A more immediate concern: is there some cheap but effective self-defence thing you could get easily and legitly? Like pepper spray for instance? In case he moved from words to physical violence. Even if you didn't use it, just to have it at hand...
Actually, let me note* I literally now think of him as not so bright.
He let me go, and that was stupid.
Yes, it was!
Lisa,
I admire your spirit, and your strength. You will get through these dark days, and don't be afraid to reach out if you need some support- my email is on my profile page, just click and I'll send you virtual hugs.
I know it's not much, but I am thinking of you.
Aw, thanks, Maria.
He played upon my love for him but also certain things like my beliefs about lawyers and people being too litigious in this country, etc.
I don't know anything about the divorce subject. Didn't witness any of it. Like papers, etc.
He told me that if I tried to get any money out of him he would hate me forever. But I think he already hates me.
Oops, didn't see you Anne Marie! :)
Thanks, it does help to be thought of and talking about this. I'm really scared now, though. If he decided to read my blog.:(
Yes, I don't think it would change anything, just a degree of difference in hating.
Maybe it would actually be a good thing if he read your blog. Maybe it would get him a little bit scared, seeing that he hasn't managed to crush your spirit and that you are little by little gathering determination to get rid of him. And if he did do something or threatened to do something, that would give you more evidence.
Tell you what, I'll copy the post and the comments, put them in a safe place as a little bit of evidence. In case he did got a hold of your login info and deleted this.
That's true, actually. The thing that scares me the most is that he has some sort of secrets now. Here and there when he has been extremely inebriated, he's say something, let something slip. IOW, he'll say something cryptic and strange, and i will either try to ask him what he means right then, and/or I will go away and mull it over and discover that he's not telling me something.
I think truthfully...sigh...
I will probably take him to court and find out that he has a kid or something, it will devastate me,
blah. :(
Because he gets very weird when I mention taking him to court. Or like I said, when he's too buzzed to realize that someone like me can glean bits of info out of him when he's like that.
Yep. I figure there's some big awful secret. He spent a million dollars in the past few years, or that he has a kid, or a wife in another country, in addition to
50 GF's....
This has truthfully been another reason why I haven't gotten a lawyer before. I was not ready to find out anything for a long time it was too raw and hurtful. Not ready to face more secrets of his.
Getting a lawyer represents learning hurtful and devastating things about him.:(
He has some problems with self control. I can see it costing him
in some way.
Maria, remember what I once wrote you late last year? something like:
"I know this sounds awful, but I think he may have sabotoged my HD, deleting everyone's email addresses, everything!"
Remember when I lost everything on my computer? :(
Yep. I trusted him enough to confided having various emails of his where he called me a "fucking piece of shit" for no reason out of the blue,
I'd told him that I'd saved all of his abusive Christmas emails, etc.
Everything.
So it was obvious looking back now.
He destroyed my HD. He gave me another one, but yeah. Makes sense.
I had a lot of proof of him looking like the world's biggest jerk.
I do remember that :-(
Yep. :(
Even then I was afraid to say anything.
I'm actually having a bit of a panic
attack at this moment, afraid that he's going to read this stuff and what might happen. :(
If I had something light to write
I'd post a long post that would set
this one back where he might not see it.Hmm.
Hey there, I am thinking about your situation, and he is a really negative hurtful person. It must be very hard for you to post this personal info, but probably good to get feedback, I have encountered such a situation, and it is all about control. And therefore you must not let it happen you must gain control of yourself no matter what, don't worry about what others are thinking about. yourself and your wellbeing are what is important. Possesions are great, but so not important. You are important. Find the place to be, Find a peace, if you are scared find a place, stop your crying, get a lawyer, (lawyers are not so great, but necessary) they can help you.
I have been in a spot where I have let go of everything, you can only hold into it your heart. Take care of YOURSELF
i meant onto your heart and soul.
Look, I was a neighbor once to a bully and his kind intelligent wife, and I watched events in horror at times (he never struck her, that I could see) from my own window. I kept my lights off so I could watch. And I would have bolted like lightening anything, anything happened to have harmed her physically. But I figure I am a witness, and so is your neighbor. Keep the window open, dove. You need the help that you seek and deserve. Truly.
She and I remain friends. I wanted to respect her safety and I understood clearly, given his blunt statements made to me, that I was seen as a threat for just being her friend. At least we do not (and then I fret except his health has taken a deep deep dive, and I want to say 'fortunately' but that's kind of an ugly thing to want to say); AT LEAST we do not live next door any more. Meaning she and I can meet for coffee or for "whatever" without causing alarms to go off.
Anyway, truly, your neighbor IS a witness. I wish (and hope) otherwise that I win the lottery, the big one, as I would not hesitate to help you out, to gift you, not at all, in any way. I wish my words were green and depositable (of that's a word!).
-ginab
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this -you who gives us all so much music.
You should feel no shame in any of this ESPECIALLY DISABILITY and when you kick him to the curb you will have many fun years ahead of you. You should also feel no shame in trashing him here, it's good practice in being honest with yourself about how you feel.
I agree with EL Wisty!
My biggest advice is stop lying about what he's doing for you because your mind will actually ends up believing it. We've all done that.
People either love you and respect or they don't after a while there is no middle ground in intimate relationships.
I hope you continue to express yourself. We all think about you and will listen
Love Amanda
Hi Lisa,
I'm so sorry to hear about you going through all this! just remember this, if you're going through hell, keep going cause that's how you get out of it.
Stay strong! Don't listen to anything he's saying! You shouldn't feel ashamed of your disability money. Once you get rid of this toxic guy, things will get better!
We're all here for you if you ever need support.
Lisa,
So sorry to hear about what you're going through right now. As you can see, there are many people out on the "endless wire" who care about you and believe in you. Don't let this person diminish your self worth. He's not worthy of that. And when you're up to it, find a lawyer and file for divorce, because if you're still married, then you are entitled to certain things. Especially in California, where the laws are particularly strong on sharing assets. As long as you are married but separated, he holds all the cards because he has no legal order to provide for you.
There is no shame in claiming what is yours.
Good for you for expressing what you've expressed here. That must have taken courage.
Good thoughts from up the 5 freeway,
Chris
Lisa
Someone does not have to physically hit you or hurt you to be abusive. Psychological abuse is often far more painful and the effects are certainly longer-lasting.
In addition to the good comments/suggestions you have here, I would also suggest that you visit or call your local domestic violence shelter and seek help from them. Even if you don't need them to help you with physical shelter, they will be best equipped to help you find the mental and emotional support and to help you find the legal assistance it sounds like you so desperately need. In this case, I think you will find that you should not fear attorneys; an attorney will be one of your biggest allies in this situation.
I hope as others here have said that you will not continue to let him make you feel unworthy and fearful. It's very difficult, I know, but you need to reach out for help to make yourself strong again. As blogger friends, we can give you moral support, but we are not trained or able to give you the practical help you need. All we can do is cheer you on, pray for you and be there to listen. That's alot, I know, when you are feeling alone, but it's not going to make him stop coming around and calling you names and it's not going to help pay your bills.
It's not weak to ask for help and he sounds like a difficult person to survive. Don't let him make you feel ashamed. You are giving your power to him. Take it back for yourself.
Cathy xox
(((((((((hugs)))))))))) BTDT.
If you do not have money for a divorce lawyer go to a woman's shelter. They can help with finding or providing a lawyer, couseling to help you see yoo are a victim and to move past that, etc.
You have been given great words of advice here.
Keep the Faith and find peace in your heart.
love and light xox
Wow, the outpouring! I don't even know where to start! Again, Wow!
But this must be why I let loose here with this stuff. Feedback is really something I needed about this. If you only knew, I really don't talk to anyone here about this. I haven't talked to any legal person, ever!
I did have some counseling when I first moved out after living with him for so long. It was a traumatic time.
The shelter idea isn't so far out,
unfortunately. :(
Whats important is that I pay attention to this stuff and don't
ever let him hurt me again. But that is part of why I am so scared of him.
I need to try and thank all of you!
I wish I could do or say something
really great.
But I think you guys are so caring
about this that the best thing I could do is stand up to him and follow all of your advice on this stuff. Would be the best way to say thanks to you all.It means a lot and it helps.:) xoxoxoxoLisa
Shit, sorry, I forgot to add:
He called me last night and drunkenly
pressured me some more to get a job.
He did give some valid advice about job hunting and was overall much nicer, but he didn't have to go on for literally an hour and a half.
Repeating himself till I started to feel like crying again and said "Youve been repeating yourself over and over!. He kept saying in response,
"But I'm trying to impress it upon you!"
Me, starting to feel mildly hysterical "But I got it already!
I'm not stupid!And you're drunk, remember? You announced it when you called!"
Finally sometime after 11 pm we hung up.Jeez. :(
Remember, my doc told me that because of my disability status and the fact
that we were married forever before I moved out, I'm entitled to alimony.
So he's trying to get me to work even though ....:(
Even my own doc lol
This is what has him scared. I feel like crying, though.He's an engineer, you guys, there should be money. If it's gone, what happened? :(
We are all thinking about you so keep us updated and feel free to say whatever you want .:
Love Amanda
Thanks Amanda, I will. I just posted a bunch of "distraction posts" to try and hide this a little.
I actually posted these pics because I wanted to keep posting this thread without him seeing it.
I don't even want to work yet. He's telling me to, and I try to do what he tells me even if it hurts. He knows that.
When I would really want to go to
college. :(
Lisa
I don't know what it is like in CA, but in PA, I know many women who have had college tuition/expenses or other educational funds as part of their divorce settlements. Plus there are always grants and other options. I think public college in CA is much cheaper than in other states.
Cathy
Wow Cathy I didn't know this at all!
I've wondered about this. School.
Thanks for knowing I didn't want to stop this thread but was afraid. :)
Hi, Lisa
Glad you got to go to San Diego and see The Who again. And to see Rachel a second time.
Hope you are gaining the strength and the courage to dream again (like going to college) and to ask for help in mapping out a plan to get you out of the situation you are in right now. It's very hard, I know, to make a change. Easier to leave things the way they are even if they are painful. But, once you take that first step, it does get easier.
Cathy xox
Lisa dear,
I'm on your support team too.
I believe your ex is narcissistic and probably has been abusive to you for so long that you don't even see all the ways he does it.
But I'm very proud and relieved that you're facing it now.
When I decided to leave my now ex-husband, I knew there would be a hard time ahead. There was, but it was also a freeing and empowering time.
I did not get him to pay for my return to grad. school in the settlement. But I did get a good enough settlement to help me be able to be in school part-time and work only part-time for these years while I'm doing my master's and post-master's degrees. That will enable me to earn a good living once I'm done with it. The maintenance payments end right around the time my education finishes.
I got free and safe and healthy and strong.
You can too.
Hugs,
Bri
Post a Comment
<< Home