Feel a Little Better Today...
Actually, I was doing ok yesterday, until the day waned, and night came on. Around four in the afternoon I looked around my little house, lowered my face into my hands and wept for a long time. I even wailed out loud " You're feeling sorry for yourself!" But it didn't help.It was weird because I didn't know I was even going to do that a minute before. The thing is, it's not like I even did anything wrong to warrant being so alone! Just a life choices coupled with bad luck combination.Plus my brother doesn't celebrate christmas. I understand that. Our family has had such a bad run of luck on Christmas.The person that was the glue that held what was left of our family together died on christmas day. My mother's father. So every christmas for our family was a forced gaiety, usually with my mother winding up going to her room and quietly crying.
Anyway.
I was writing this to say that I feel a little better today. I'm forcing it, but it might be working a little. At least I'm not sobbing uncontrollably so far today. lol
Hang in there everyone, the holidays are almost over! I won't have it rubbed in my face much longer. What I don't have. Children and family. Christmas is the rub it in your face for people without kids and a mate. It's like a test.
Anyway.
I was writing this to say that I feel a little better today. I'm forcing it, but it might be working a little. At least I'm not sobbing uncontrollably so far today. lol
Hang in there everyone, the holidays are almost over! I won't have it rubbed in my face much longer. What I don't have. Children and family. Christmas is the rub it in your face for people without kids and a mate. It's like a test.
posted by Nabonidus at 9:45 AM
22 Comments:
Aw, I didn't know that your grandad died on Christmas day. It's no wonder the day has extra weight for you :(
I'm glad you're feeling better though! *hugs*. Oh, and I see you're wearing the Casbah Club t-shirt. Looks mighty good. Myself am listening to John Coltrane's A Love Supreme, one of the things I got for Christmas. That's the kind of spirituality I identify with, supremely glorious music. Coltrane said in the linear notes that the album is a gift to God, that he humbly asked for the means to give joy to other people and felt that he had received them in the music. Although I don't believe there is a god, I respect the sincerity of this spirituality. What can be more sincere than music?
Aw, thanks E.L., and heh, the smile showing teeth is a rarity, not because I'm mean but because I don't have the traditonal American straight white chiclet teeth, as Gary called them. lol So I'm kinda self-conscious about them.
Hey, I'm going to check that particular Coltrane out.Sounds especially inspired.And that always makes for the best music. xoxoLisa
I'm so sorry dear.
I used to spend the holidays on my own, until I met the most wonderful woman who showed me the rest of her beautiful family.
Things will get better.
God bless you.
You are not alone,I promise.Danny
Thanks Gary and Danny!
Gary : I have been been paying attention to your blog,enough to know that you've gone through heartbreak and loneliness and came out the other side. It inspired me when I read about that awhile back.I hope it happens for me.
And Danny :
Thank you for saying that I'm not alone, it's hard to believe sometimes.
I need to remind myself that I am better off than last year, when I was too sad for a tree.I didn't have all you bloggers back then to help me this way.
Thanks so much, both of you.
xoxoxoxoLisa
Hey, Sweets:
I'm alone, too. No kids, no guy, and my family's far away. So I'm spending Christmas with my new collection of Truman Capote stories. He's better company than my relatives, anyway.
And me, I'm gonna pop the cork soon. I figure it's okay to have a few drinks on Christmas. Here's to you!
(Clink, gulp, aaaah)
Oh sweetheart, you're not alone, even though you sometimes feel like you are. Everyone has bad moments in their lives when they felt loss and pain. I've been through divorce and my father dying, and even though neither of them happened at this time of year, the holidays on those particular years still made me feel the loss. My father's last Christmas with us was in 2000, and there was a moment last night during our festivities when I missed him accutely. Part of being human, I think, is remembering our loved ones and wishing they could live forever.
Just know that I am thinking of you today and hoping the world seems a little kinder as a result.
Take care of yourself, hon. You're a sweet soul and you deserve the good things that you have and those still coming down your path.
-Anne-Marie
Hey, Anne Marie! And Ing!
Thank you so much for reassuring me, it's really helping. It actually does help to hear that people understand, that I'm not alone.
I'm glad I didn't isolate myself today.I would've missed all these encouraging words.:) xoxoxoLisa
Hey Lisa,
Nice smile! I like your teeth.
Keep your chin up. It will get better. We've all been there in various forms and your words on Pete's blog brought tears to my eyes. The world needs to heal and it's good we have a nice place to come to spend a little time together.
A victim of a narcissist no more,
oxo Seychelle
clink, clink!
Hey thanks Seychelle! I'm so self-conscious about my teeth being crooked, this is a big step for me. lol
I hope the tears brought to your eyes were ok, not too sad.
I'm glad you aren't a victim of a narcissist any longer - and what a great way to put it!
xoxoLisa
Remember, Just Breath!
No way are you alone on the lone front. I think there are more of us than there are them. And, yeah, pop a cork like Ing. Me? A glass of Chianti wouldn't hurt me one iota (sp).
So here's to people like us, everywhere around the world!
xo-g+bb
Dear Lisa, I'm sorry it's hard. It's true that lots of people feel lonely at Christmas, even when they are with other people. My heart goes out to you.
Even those of us with kids have some heartache, too. You might know that my younger son died in 1997? I'm very very blessed to have my son A.J., who's 16, and I soak up every second of being his mom to the best level of joy that I know, but part of my heart cries every holiday (and other days) for baby Ethan. It always will. I'm his mom too and he's not here. I won't see him again until heaven.
This was my first divorced Christmas. I like it better than being unhappily married Christmases.
By the time you read this, Christmas is almost over. Big hugs, and I must say you look VERY cute in your Santa outfit, and now the Casbah outfit, there's a wild Janis-esque style there, I love it!
Love, Brina
Do not feel self-conscious about your teeth, by the way. I saw nothing that wasn't beautiful, so you're just being hard on yourself, rocker gal.
Promise me, too, you'll dance on New Year's Eve.
So sorry you are having a rough time! My frist year after my divorce back in 2001 was the worst Christmas ever. There was a big misunderstanding and falling out between my step-mom and me and the family party I took my husband who then was my boyfriend to just was not the same. I didn't have any invitations to go to families and so I went to his sisters with him. It was so very very odd! I cried all day. He just started a company so didn't have a lot of money so we decided on no gifts because we wanted to get married and knew in a month we would have to purchase rings and a car and a house and all this stuff he was working hard for! I felt so alone it sucked! BUT I went to a movie for the first time by myself I tried painting again I read a lot of books and went out for walks. I am not afraid of being alone just the holidays are not the same! I think if you try a walk for starters you may find some increase in your endorphine levels and feel a little more upbeat! Try it and let me know how it goes..this is where I took my first baby steps to healing and moving past all my dreaded abusive past and brighter things..I mean I did get remarried, have a kid, start a business or two and know who knows what the future holds...I promise you will find yourself in all this. Be patient! It takes time!
xoxox-from someone who has been there..Molly
Lisa
Hey Lisa, I'm glad you're feeling better. when i feel really down and out, I go outside or pop in some records or eat some food! and then I feel better.
love your new picture. great shirt and smile!
xoxo
- claire -
Hey Lisa,
I enjoy all of your comments over on TBWHM. You keep it real. I just had to get away and have a little fun after all of the holiday shit. Sorry to hear your grandpa passed on Christmas Day. That's more than tough. Well, I hope you are in better spirits today and keep smiling. I force myself to smile on my bad days and it actually works. Taking a walk in the woods helps too.
Hang in there. It's all about balance.
oxo Seychelle
Heh, I hear you. You should go see my reply though, I think it'll give you a smile.:)
Hi Lisa. Sorry to hear you have had it bad. It is good to see you feeling a bit better today tho. Stick with it and keep on making music, it cheers my day.
nabonidus,
Christmas is a day just like any other. And just like any other day, someone is trying to sell you something. You don't feel bad about using the "wrong soap" when watching TV do you? Don't feel bad about being who you are, or who you are/aren't with for Christmas. That is also a sales pitch.
I was tickled pink at Pete's latest chapter. It actually felt alive. I don't know, but I felt as if the previous chapters were floating around (in ether perhaps?) without much conviction or feeling. This one seemed REAL to me. This one had a pulse.
Happy Christmas and New Years and Season of Perpetual Consumerism! Don't let it get you down. I went for a walk today, there is no one outside and it is quite wonderful. Peaceful.
Jack
Thanks, Pete!
And yep, sure are some familiar characters running around here.Makes it feel like home when I go to your "place". I know I'm among friends.:)
Thanks for visiting, you are welcome any time.
And Happy New Year to you! xoxoLisa
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