Kurt Cobain...

This is a subject that hurts. It's like it still hits too hard, even now.
Back in the early 90's, I was a younger person, in L.A. I remember hearing
and knowing about Kurt and Courtney before any of the media caught on.

People used to whisper and gossip about their heroin use. This was right before
Nirvana hit huge. Like, right before. It wasn't that long since Courtney had been
a fat stripper at the Circus place, it's on the tip of my tongue. The place where she and other
plump ladies stripped. On Sunset. Everyone knew about it.
Ah, well.
So the rumors were going around in the local music community even before
Nirvana hit it big. I remember reading an interview with Chris Cornell in
Rolling Stone, where he says " People would be very surprised to learn
who these heroin junkies were." And my friends and I knew exactly who he was talking
about, he was talking about Kurt and Courtney.( And probably Layne Staly,
another one that breaks my heart).
I remember driving around L.A. cranking Nevermind,
like many others, I fell for Kurt. What a face.
I hated Courtney, thought she was bad for
him. Even Slash had an incident with Courtney where he insulted her, he is
a former heroin addict who knew what was up and didn't like her one bit.
Slash is so cool. This is the kind of stuff my friends and I used to talk about:
" Did you hear what Slash said to Courtney the other night? He called her a fat
junkie whore!"
Etc.
See what I mean? We all knew Kurt had a problem, right from the beginning.
I'm not blaming Courtney, on principle. One has to take responsibility for
their own actions, obviously.
But damn, we all used to talk about how she strung Kurt out on heroin, and
so many people in the music world looked down on Courtney and talked trash about her!
In 91-92!
Kurt and I had certain things in common, like being left- handed and being born in WA
but living in L.A, playing guitar and singing, etc.
So I felt a kinship with him.

As you all know, the day came where he took his own life. I can still barely talk about it.
For years afterwards, even now, I will have a dream about him. In the dreams he's
always dead.
In one of the dreams he said, " Hold me, I'm so cold" and I wrapped my
arms around him to comfort him and warm him, and he had the smell of death on him.
He was co cold.
It felt so real.
I think I woke up crying.
In another one, he and I were in a boat floating down a little
river, and he gave me some flowers. And there came a fork in the river, and he said " You
can't go this way. I have to go on alone." And I climbed out of the boat and watched him continue on down the river, his blue eyes looking at me the whole time that he sailed away..
The weird thing about that particular dream is that the flowers he gave me were these weird
looking lillies. And I heard somewhere after that lillies had been his favorite flower!
I really hadn't known that!

When I was typing this just now, my eyes filled with tears. It still bothers me, after all this
time. He made some of us feel like we knew him.
I think I'm actually traumatized by his death. It hit me that hard.