Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Shocking Update( Or: I Miss Blogging )!!! ...

I'm sorry everyone, I realize long time no blog! No LTV videos, either! So much has been going on, strange days! Very strange days...
Part of the problem is that a lot of the stuff going on is really personal.I am
normally very open about my life, but I think I tend to get more reticent when it comes to matters of the heart.
Yep.

Someone came back into my life recently, and said that he was wrong, that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That losing me was the biggest mistake. That he is/was miserable. That he didn't know what he was thinking at the time that he left me.
Yep.

This has all been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster ride. I've been very happy and very sad the past month. Ecstatic, and angry. Lustful, and prudish. And through it all have been revelations, closure, feelings of fulfillment. So hard to explain.

It's my ex. Obviously this is huge news in my life. My ex called me about a month ago out of the blue, after I hadn't seen him in literally a year. Wanting to talk. We talked a lot, and the above written was what he had to say.
Looking back, I realize the timing was just past our wedding anniversary. I didn't even connect that at the time. I had actually forgotten my anniversary, finally.
Things have been great you guys. Just great. I'm so scared now. Scared of getting hurt again. Scared because this has been like a honeymoon. Scared because it turns out I was never even legally separated from him. I'd thought were were divorced,
or almost anyway. Turns out we aren't at all! I'd trusted his hatred for me, his...
eagerness to go away from me, his competence. Thought the paperwork was all done and filed. So not only are we NOT divorced, NOT legally separted, but we have been "staying" together for the past month, non-stop. Living together. he goes home to get clothes, and comes right back. So what does that make me?
Married, doesn't it? Even if we aren't talking about it, I think we are both afraid to point it out to the other. If we are living together and aren't legally separated, in any way, and are legally married, doesn't that make me married? I mean, back to being REALLY married?

So this is where Lisa has disappeared to for the past month. Playing wife, however temporary. But truthfully, it's been great. I feel like crying because it's not something I ever thought would happen, and I never thought I'd hear some of the words I've heard lately. I had to be ok with NOT hearing them, in fact. And I WAS ok.
Words like "I'm sorry." and "I was wrong. It was the biggest mistake of my life, I suck!I know it!" He actually put his head in his hands when he said that.
I realize that we were together for a long time, since we were 21. Maybe he needed
to find out for himself what was out there and realized he had a good thing all along.I can only speculate.

So for now it's good. I don't know if it will be good tomorrow, I am living for today only. It's all I can do.
And when I mentioned in my previous post about strolling in the desert and listening to Nick Drake, my ex is a new Nick Drake and Rachel Fuller fan and was the person with me in the desert. Probably explains a lot about my last post.
Wish me luck, please. I love you all, my blogging friends, and I am not planning on leaving my blog or changing. In fact I don't know anything right
now except that I like who I am these days. Who I became after I got divorced.
When I thought I was divorced, anyway. I would stay married, perhaps. If I kept myself. That's a major problem in marriages, I've noticed. Too often one of the partners becomes the other and loses their individuality. Not just little similarities, but actual losing themselves. You all know what i'm talking about, I'm sure you've all seen a couple like that at some time. Usually it's the wife. But it can be the man, too.
Who knows, maybe this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and lead to our real divorce. But I can't look that far ahead. I am not counting on, or predicting anything right now.

Anyway, that's the scoop. Gnarly, eh? :)

13 Comments:

Blogger Anne-Marie said...

Lisa, I am just happy for you for the wonderful now that you are experiencing. I think you have grown tremendously from your harships, and that you will never let the person you've become disappear again. The fact that part of you is scared is enough to make me think you won't let it happen.

My best wishes to you both on your new beginnings. I hope you find much joy together.

-AM

8:17 PM  
Blogger Mary Beth said...

Hi Lisa,

WOW. Big things have been happening! I wondered where you went! :)

I can totally understand why some of you is scared, and some of you is excited. I'm happy for you no matter what the outcome - sometimes we have to just live for the day, and be happy for what's in it. I hope he does appreciate what he lost and that he appreciates you even more now that you're semi/quasi/whatever it is back together. You go girl! Keep me updated! :)

2:19 PM  
Blogger PTfan said...

Well, that certainly is some news now, isn't it? Well Lisa, remember in my e-mail a lwhile back, I said I would pray for you and I did, and I have been, and I will continue to.

You have grown a lot. I am very proud of you. You are a very beautiful person. I'm not just talking about the outside, I mean the inside too. I know you will stay you.

I don't want you to get hurt either.

So you think he is sincere? I hope so.

I want only the best for you. This sounds good. I will keep praying for you because I love you too.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Gary said...

Why.. Why do people lie..

:-)

I'm glad this is having a happy ending Lisa. You deserve to be happy dear. Please keep us updated on how things progress. Wouldn't you have recieved something from the court official on the Divorce thing? I can't imagine divorce. my Dad left my Mum after 24 years just like that, and I can't imagine things coming to that after all of that time, and it's probably why it took me an awful long time to settle down with the right girl.

I'm very happy for you, now we will be hearing lots of love songs right?

6:02 PM  
Blogger Fleur de Bee said...

I am happy for you if you are happy. Just remember all the things you spoke to me in chat about. If he truly is worth it and is NOT abusive in any way and you want to work it out then so be it and best of luck to you. An abused wife will keep going back until she breaks the cycle, so if that is the case then be careful my friend and dig deep. Took me 3 LONG years to leave my ex, and 6 months to come up with the plan to do so. Best thing I ever did! We are friends again now, after his elaborate apology to me and my family a year ago, he is also remarried, however I still cringe and get a fright when I think of him. I am truly blessed in my marriage now and my husband is an amazing guy. Don't settle......EVER! There truly are fantastic men out there that WILL let you be yourself (I DO know what you are speaking of)

Thats my 2 cents. Like always I am here for you :)

XX-Molly

11:38 PM  
Blogger Nabonidus said...

Aw, thanks Molly,I hear what you're saying. Actually, that crazy abusive stuff happened at the very end and was, in fact, what made me leave. We were married for let's see...16 years, I think!If you count being apart but legally married.
No physical abuse until that last year, the last 6 months or so. We actually lived together in relative peace and mutual best-friendship until then.Although there were things I wasn't so happy about, like my staying home constantly ( in the later years). The last 6 months were when all this weird and sometimes violent stuff happened.
But there were extentuating circumstances.
He basically made it to where I had to leave. When the physical stuff happened, it was time to go. It took you longer but I totally, totally understand Molly!
So there are certain differences from that nightmarish marriage of yours,Molly, that make it not so black and white. I suppose if there was mental or emotional abuse it was definitely
mutual combat. I can dish it out verbally, as you all might know by now. So I've wounded him at times.

But seriously Gary, and PT and MB and AM, and BG, I'm not doing anything but living for today and trying to see if we can repair things and be good for each other. We were at one time. The thing is, it's harder when you've lived with someone for 14 years. And a lot
of those were good years.We were young, 21 when we got married! I think he/we needed to be apart and experience other people for awhile. Or in my case, experience being on my own and alone for awhile.Experience independence.
He needed to experience being a bachelor, I guess.
I'm not so sure that I want to go back permanently, get a place together, anyway! I'm enjoying the now.
In any case everyone, thanks for the beautiful words. You guys are so great:) xoxoxoxoxoLisa

8:31 AM  
Blogger E.L. Wisty said...

I did say the same elsewhere but it's worth repeating. I'm so happy that you have been able to sort out so many of the past problems. I think enjoying the now is the exact right thing to do right now. Just see what happens, enjoy the good things that are happening, see how it all feels...

8:53 AM  
Blogger blue said...

Dear Lisa

What a news!!
"Sea refuses no river, the river is where I am"(from Pete's solo album)

You don't have to be scared any more.Things around us gonna changing..Let's do our best TODAY to find our spiritual PLACE.
I believe that's LIFE.
Yep.

All the best wishes to you.
I LOVE YOU.

Tomoko xx

8:09 AM  
Blogger Alecia said...

Oh wow Lisa! I am really happy for you!!.. it is scary to open up again but your in the right frame of mind to be in the NOW... stay there if you can and enjoy!

About loosing yourself - I immediately thought of Pete's lyrics from Bargain ...

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I had
To find you I'd suffer anything and be glad

I'd pay any price just to get you
I'd work all my life and I will
To win you I'd stand naked, stoned and stabbed

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I sit looking 'round
I look at my face in the the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing without you
In life one and one don't make two
One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me
I'm looking for you

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

6:44 PM  
Blogger Nabonidus said...

Aw, thanks EL, Blue, Alecia!
You are so sweet! I really appreciate you, being there for me and giving me good feedback, kind words.And wonderful PT lyrics. :) xoxoxoxoLisa

7:07 AM  
Blogger ginab said...

Surprise! You're married!!!

congratulations.

now, hold onto the table. steady on there. and enjoy.

-g+bb

1:47 PM  
Blogger Fleur de Bee said...

Sorry but just got back here to reply to your comments to me. Yes mine was pretty emotional for the first few months then the physical set in and both were pretty present in my marriage. I guess I just didn't want to be a failure (loads of therapy to admit that lol) so I tried over and over to work it out and when I finally fell out of love with him and realized HE was the one who needed to change and I could not change nor even help him that is when I decided to leave and not become a statistic! I am pretty lucky actually because he was pretty abusive in the end even after I told him I was leaving him! Smashed a phone I was on to smitherines that I had taken into custody as part of my proof of abuse! Shame because I married young and truly was in love for all the right reasons!

I wish you all the best. I am very big on working things out and fresh starts in life. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy and if he truly makes you happy and you can put the things in the past behind you and learn from them, then more power to you!

I am here for you girl! Go enjoy life and be sure to keep me posted!

XX

9:48 AM  
Blogger Bri said...

Wow, Lisa, all I can say is: wow. There's a place for forgiveness, for reconciliation, for letting someone back in (who has never really left)our hearts. I have been there. I am there right now.

I completely hear you...and I'm smiling for you because it does sound like he has grown, and that he knows the depths of his love for you.

To keep yourself within a marriage, now that's the challenge. I am heartened to think that you can do it! So hugs, and love...

6:31 PM  

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