Whine, and Whine Again...

Things keep going shittily lately, culminating in my literally crying over spilt milk this afternoon. All sorts of crummy little things have been happening.
I haven't been blogging lately because I figured it would be better to avoid complaining,whining over spilt milk.
But yep, I dropped a gallon of milk and it broke, all over the carpet. I was tired, cranky, having trouble trying to lift the groceries into the house and into the kitchen. A big container of milk slipped out of my hand and fell onto the carpet.

It was like I broke, as well. All the piddly little irritating things, and all the larger, more worrisome things that have been happening lately just overwhelmned me, and I started crying. And then I started laughing, at the fact that I was literally crying over spilt milk. So then I was crying and laughing, simultaneously.
At that point I made myself stop. :)

Sorry that I've been such an inconsiderate blogger lately. As you all probably can understand, it's been such an intense time emotionally for me these days( with my ex- I've even lost 10 pounds, due to nerves)... Don't know what to think sometimes. And there's so much history there to leave in the past.
I really am trying to just take each day as it comes, live for today, all of that.
Learn from the past but not dwell on it. It's been really difficult sometimes. Plus
the whole trust thing. Jeez.
He trusts me and we both know it. That's part of why he's here nowadays.

One of the problems is that he expects perfection out of me. He holds me to higher standards than others. Other people are allowed to make mistakes, I guess. It's hard to describe. I'm talking about everything.
He's just basically been very critical of me, always. Once in a rare moment he said "It's because you have more potential than anyone I know". This was towards the end of the marriage. He knows I can do better, so he is pushing me to try. This is his reasoning, explanation as to why.
But between you and me he'll always find fault with me no matter what I do.
Clearly I'm having some low moments here right now...
Hard to be optimistic. And yet he and I have been talking lately. Fighting some, too, but more talking than fighting. Things have been different!
Partly because I'm not going back to the way it was at the end of the marriage.
I've changed for the better and I'm not willing to lose that.
But also because he is also trying to change and I see it.
Example: He bought me a video i-pod. It's a nano- type thing.
It's not a nano but it's supposedly a little bit better, actually. That doesn't matter to me, whether it's a nano or not! A video mp3 player out of the blue, a present!
See what I mean? He's trying, too. And it's been so great. Some really special times.
I'll have to focus on that. I admit I'm smiling thinking of the "nano", and how he'd surprised me with it. And suddenly I'm feeling ok again! What moody times I'm going through! I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. Wish me luck that I don't get sick from the crazy ride!