Friday, May 26, 2006

Whine, and Whine Again...

Things keep going shittily lately, culminating in my literally crying over spilt milk this afternoon. All sorts of crummy little things have been happening.
I haven't been blogging lately because I figured it would be better to avoid complaining,whining over spilt milk.
But yep, I dropped a gallon of milk and it broke, all over the carpet. I was tired, cranky, having trouble trying to lift the groceries into the house and into the kitchen. A big container of milk slipped out of my hand and fell onto the carpet.

It was like I broke, as well. All the piddly little irritating things, and all the larger, more worrisome things that have been happening lately just overwhelmned me, and I started crying. And then I started laughing, at the fact that I was literally crying over spilt milk. So then I was crying and laughing, simultaneously.
At that point I made myself stop. :)

Sorry that I've been such an inconsiderate blogger lately. As you all probably can understand, it's been such an intense time emotionally for me these days( with my ex- I've even lost 10 pounds, due to nerves)... Don't know what to think sometimes. And there's so much history there to leave in the past.
I really am trying to just take each day as it comes, live for today, all of that.
Learn from the past but not dwell on it. It's been really difficult sometimes. Plus
the whole trust thing. Jeez.
He trusts me and we both know it. That's part of why he's here nowadays.

One of the problems is that he expects perfection out of me. He holds me to higher standards than others. Other people are allowed to make mistakes, I guess. It's hard to describe. I'm talking about everything.
He's just basically been very critical of me, always. Once in a rare moment he said "It's because you have more potential than anyone I know". This was towards the end of the marriage. He knows I can do better, so he is pushing me to try. This is his reasoning, explanation as to why.
But between you and me he'll always find fault with me no matter what I do.
Clearly I'm having some low moments here right now...
Hard to be optimistic. And yet he and I have been talking lately. Fighting some, too, but more talking than fighting. Things have been different!
Partly because I'm not going back to the way it was at the end of the marriage.
I've changed for the better and I'm not willing to lose that.
But also because he is also trying to change and I see it.
Example: He bought me a video i-pod. It's a nano- type thing.
It's not a nano but it's supposedly a little bit better, actually. That doesn't matter to me, whether it's a nano or not! A video mp3 player out of the blue, a present!
See what I mean? He's trying, too. And it's been so great. Some really special times.
I'll have to focus on that. I admit I'm smiling thinking of the "nano", and how he'd surprised me with it. And suddenly I'm feeling ok again! What moody times I'm going through! I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. Wish me luck that I don't get sick from the crazy ride!

Friday, May 19, 2006


Listening to Magic Man right now. Wow, I'd forgotten what a powerful song that is!
I should've added an album or two when I made that list of favorite albums awhile back.
Actually, Nancy Wilson is one of the few female guitarists that I really admire. Listen to the intro to "Crazy on You" if you don't know who or what I'm talking about.
The sad thing about Heart, they really went downhill after, say, "Bebe La Strange" in 1979 or 1980. In my opinion, of course. But I'm not alone.

And I'd completely written them off until just the other day. Heard Magic Man, part of it, on blaring from someone's radio. So I just downloaded a few things that I remember liking, "Straight on for you" "Magic Man", "Little Queen" "Barracuda". Etc.
And they rocked! I'm sure they still are capable, especially now that they've dropped the pop-schlock stuff they were doing in the 80's.
I remember one hilarious song, let's see...
"All I wanna do is make love to you." I think it was called. Had to do with a woman who is driving, picks up a hot young studly hitchhiker heheh, boinks him in a hotel, and later gives birth to a love child. We used to laugh and make fun watching that video on MTV.
It was such a soap opera.
But also it was embarrassing to watch once killer rockers like the Wilson sisters
look so uncomfortable and out of their element, overly made up hair and makeup, crammed into spandex and corsets. And yet I think the song/video was a hit to the masses. Go figure.
But itwas the time of the power ballad, after all.

Anyway, try downloading some old ancient Heart like "Magic Man" or "Straight On for you" or "Little Queen" or "Crazy On You" "Barracuda" if you've never heard them and are curious.
They influenced a lot of female rockers that came later, but haven't quite gotten the recognition they deserve ( probably due to the critics and that later crap).

Monday, May 15, 2006

Nick Drake Revisited...

My fave songs of the ones I've heard so far ( I don't have all of the albums or anything like that).River man, Pink Moon, The Cello song, Road, One of these things First.
The guitar playing for "Road" is stunning. Amazing, beautiful. But his death overshadows everything .26. I got choked up, cried a little listening to Road recently when I discovered it, because I thought " Someone that had this kind of talent, so special and beautiful, was this amazing human being, died at the age of 26. Killed himself. Too young!" I've read and researched accounts of what happened, and there sounded to me like a lot of denial going on. It wasn't an accident, not all that I read...and that's heartbreaking. I read all the accounts of the anti-depressants, and sleeping pills. The alleged mixup. The parents are always the ones to go into fierce denial when something like this happens. When a child takes their own life.It's obvious what happened.
If you haven't downloaded any of his stuff yet, do it! Get the above songs, you won't be sorry. I'm sure other N.D. fans like A.M and E.L and R.F. and M.C. and many others could back me up. You won't be sorry!
His stuff sounds so fresh, too. It's hard to believe how long ago this happened. Sounds like it could've been recorded yesterday.
R.I.P. N.D.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Shocking Update( Or: I Miss Blogging )!!! ...

I'm sorry everyone, I realize long time no blog! No LTV videos, either! So much has been going on, strange days! Very strange days...
Part of the problem is that a lot of the stuff going on is really personal.I am
normally very open about my life, but I think I tend to get more reticent when it comes to matters of the heart.

Someone came back into my life recently, and said that he was wrong, that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That losing me was the biggest mistake. That he is/was miserable. That he didn't know what he was thinking at the time that he left me.

This has all been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster ride. I've been very happy and very sad the past month. Ecstatic, and angry. Lustful, and prudish. And through it all have been revelations, closure, feelings of fulfillment. So hard to explain.

It's my ex. Obviously this is huge news in my life. My ex called me about a month ago out of the blue, after I hadn't seen him in literally a year. Wanting to talk. We talked a lot, and the above written was what he had to say.
Looking back, I realize the timing was just past our wedding anniversary. I didn't even connect that at the time. I had actually forgotten my anniversary, finally.
Things have been great you guys. Just great. I'm so scared now. Scared of getting hurt again. Scared because this has been like a honeymoon. Scared because it turns out I was never even legally separated from him. I'd thought were were divorced,
or almost anyway. Turns out we aren't at all! I'd trusted his hatred for me, his...
eagerness to go away from me, his competence. Thought the paperwork was all done and filed. So not only are we NOT divorced, NOT legally separted, but we have been "staying" together for the past month, non-stop. Living together. he goes home to get clothes, and comes right back. So what does that make me?
Married, doesn't it? Even if we aren't talking about it, I think we are both afraid to point it out to the other. If we are living together and aren't legally separated, in any way, and are legally married, doesn't that make me married? I mean, back to being REALLY married?

So this is where Lisa has disappeared to for the past month. Playing wife, however temporary. But truthfully, it's been great. I feel like crying because it's not something I ever thought would happen, and I never thought I'd hear some of the words I've heard lately. I had to be ok with NOT hearing them, in fact. And I WAS ok.
Words like "I'm sorry." and "I was wrong. It was the biggest mistake of my life, I suck!I know it!" He actually put his head in his hands when he said that.
I realize that we were together for a long time, since we were 21. Maybe he needed
to find out for himself what was out there and realized he had a good thing all along.I can only speculate.

So for now it's good. I don't know if it will be good tomorrow, I am living for today only. It's all I can do.
And when I mentioned in my previous post about strolling in the desert and listening to Nick Drake, my ex is a new Nick Drake and Rachel Fuller fan and was the person with me in the desert. Probably explains a lot about my last post.
Wish me luck, please. I love you all, my blogging friends, and I am not planning on leaving my blog or changing. In fact I don't know anything right
now except that I like who I am these days. Who I became after I got divorced.
When I thought I was divorced, anyway. I would stay married, perhaps. If I kept myself. That's a major problem in marriages, I've noticed. Too often one of the partners becomes the other and loses their individuality. Not just little similarities, but actual losing themselves. You all know what i'm talking about, I'm sure you've all seen a couple like that at some time. Usually it's the wife. But it can be the man, too.
Who knows, maybe this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and lead to our real divorce. But I can't look that far ahead. I am not counting on, or predicting anything right now.

Anyway, that's the scoop. Gnarly, eh? :)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Deserts, MP3 Players, Etc...

Sorry I haven't blogged in a long time, I've been busy! Been spending time in the desert the past couple of weekends, it's been wonderful. Hot, though! Listening to Nick Drake and looking at the sky. Taking walks and picking wildflowers.
Speaking of Nick Drake: A friend gave me an MP3 player yesterday! I'm thrilled. It's so tiny and cute!Just finished loading some Nick Drake into it.
Lately I've been going through a Nick Drake phase. I'm blown away by how good he was, how special.And how young he was to die-26! That's so sad!
I'm loving "The Cello Song" From the album "5 Leaves left". Wow. And River Man. Both are from that album. I love the feel of "5 Leaves Left".
But I'm actually in a pretty good mood lately. The desert makes me happy. :)