Monday, October 31, 2005

Crexlin and Lerlerwah...

Hmm...Crexlin sounds like it could go with "butt" for some reason.
"Butt crexlin". It could be another name for a skid mark. Yuck.
It also
sounds like it could be an intellectual person. The opposite of cretin, maybe:

"That man is such a crexlin! Always reading all the time!
"What an irritating,
condescending crexlin you are!Fuck You!!"

The other word I was really enjoying was Ler-Ler-Wah. I was enjoying rolling
it off my tongue, it made me laugh when I looked it up in google just for the hell
of it. It asked me if I meant " Lerlerwa?" Like it was an actual word. I'm in a silly
mood tonight.
I haven't figured out if lerlerwah is going to be something. Maybe it could be a tender
word, to describe the feeling of having a crush on someone. Or intense love:

" I feel so lerlerwah about him. I wish I didn't. Because he's a goddamn irritating crexlin."
Or even better, lol:

" I hate feeling this lerlerwah about him, I would never normally wash the crexlin out of a
man's underwear! Yuck! He should do that himself!"

Happy 100th on Halloween!...

Wow, never thought I'd make it this far in the blogging process,
Happy 100th post, everybody!

I've been wanting to mention something for awhile now, I think I may
have mentioned this subject in the past:

I have a tendency towards repetition, and I know this. But I know where
it comes from, why I do it. It's a bad habit I need to break.
It's from hanging around a family of people that don't listen and are also sentence-
finishers. Interrupting constantly. They don't listen to anyone, it's not just me.

I started repeating myself because I figured that somewhere in the repeating, they'll
hear it, they'll get it. : )
It was odd, and at the end of the relationship(s), I couldn't stand it
anymore! In fact, that's a big part of WHY there was an end to it!

They actually cover this subject in a funny way on Seinfeld(I obviously watch the show, this is the second time I've mentioned it).
He briefly dates a woman who's a "sentence-finisher" , and a perfect example is this :
Jerry : I can't believe that movie-"
Woman interrupts: "Was so long, I know!"
Jerry : "- Ended underwater!"
That so perfectly sums up the types of verbal exchanges I had with this family. The
" people who talk over you" people. The "people who don't listen to anyone else" people.

So that's why I do keep repeating myself. I am aware of it, and I'm going to try and be more conscious of it from now on when I'm posting.
I should basically just do a better job of editing myself, in general.

20 #*&%$* Pounds Part 2...

I am posting at this point to make the statement that I am
not this harsh and judgemental to other people that are overweight.
Just to myself. I don't even care if people are obese, whatever.
And in fact, I've noticed that it seems to be the last great acceptable
prejudice. It's ok to make all the mean fat jokes on tv, it's the height of hilarity
on sitcoms .
But if I say things that are unkind about this issue, it's strictly with regards
to myself. I really don't think of other people so unforgivingly, as I do myself.
I forgive other people almost anything.

And it's funny, I've noticed that most of the people I've surrounded myself with
in the past were the opposite. Far more forgiving of their own faults, and far less
so when it comes to other people.
This was/is NOT a good combination. If you are the kind of person that is harder on
yourself, watch out for this.
Because you both wind up beating up on YOU. Both mentally-emotionally, maybe
even physically.
YOU get the shit end of the stick, so to speak.

Anyway. Not a good subject but I wanted to clarify my opinion about people that
might be obese or morbidly obese. I am not judging you. Just myself.

It's very unhealthy, though, I have to admit. My ex's boss
died from complications of being very overweight, about 2 years ago. That was so sad, I can't even begin to tell you...
He had diabetes, the kind from being very overweight. Type 1? Type 2? And it went from there. He was only about 45 when he died. My ex said that he ate donuts and cake, all kinds of things. Didn't take care of himself. His feet, toes were rotting off from it. He broke
everyone's hearts when he died. He was a good guy. : (

I knew someone else who got other sorts of complications from the same type of diabetes. Sexual impotency problems. He was also very overweight and didn't know that he had diabetes for a long time. Byt the time he found out, it had done some damage in a certain area. Yep.

So, um, if you are reading this and happen to be very overweight and not feeling that great anymore, and you don't know why, go to the doctor. Especially if you are having any trouble with your eyes, or groin, or toes. Etc. There's a chance that you have undiagnosed diabetes and they can help you.

20 *&%$#*&* Pounds!

It's killing me! This is the same 20 pounds I gained earlier this year,
and lost once already. It's come back. It's the same 20 pounds, exactly.
And yet, this 20 pounds makes all the difference to me when I look in the
Without this 20, when I look in the mirror I'm basically pleased with what
I see. I don't feel that I look fat.
But this 20 pounds makes me feel awful. When I was walking the other day,
I was passing a few shop windows. I could see my reflection. And I was thinking :
" Look at you! You look huge, disgusting, elephantine!"
I was really feeling bad, making myself feel worse. Now, keep in mind that I actually
have been told that I have a nice figure, it isn't that I'm reeaally overweight.
It's more like I'm inflating this in my mind, it's 20 damned pounds, it's not 50, 100.
But I swear, it really does make a difference in my body-self-image.

So I weighed myself this morning. I had lost 5 of the 20 so far, and was hoping to have lost
2 more. I've been dieting for two weeks now...

And I've gained 2 back! AAAAHHHH!!! &%$*#@!!!!
So it's 17 pounds still to go, before I feel "thin" again. Before I can look in shop windows
as I walk by, and not hate myself and feel that I'm gross.
This sucks, and it's wrong, I know. I shouldn't beat myself up over this. And at least I take walks regularly.
Anyway. >:(

Sunday, October 30, 2005

There's naked, And Then There's NAKED...

I'm hanging around here, looking at various people's blogs, instead
of doing things that I should be today. I've become more interested in other people's
blogs lately. Other people's lives.
I've noticed that a lot of people don't know how to write a good blog, or even try.
Their blogs might be mostly pictures intended for family only, or advertising
blogs, or blogs that don't really reveal anything.

I ran into a good blog yesterday, and it sucks that I lost it before I could bookmark it
or link it from here. I was intending to.

It was a woman, a married woman, not using her name or having any info about herself
in her profile. No picture.
But she could write. I mean, really write.
When people can really write, they have the ability to make the mundane details of
their lives become interesting. Sparkle with detail so that people can visualize it themselves.

This woman had no photo, no details, but she was completely naked.
There's naked, and then there's reeaally naked.
Just because a person isn't wearing clothes doesn't mean they are naked...
Our earth suits, birthsuits, these are just flesh. Leather.
And, in fact, they are for the protection of the inside.
To honestly reveal your world, via words, that's the REAL naked.

So the best blogs are the ones where people are completely naked, and are able
to write well.
Of course, porn blogs and picture gallery blogs are good, too. ;)
You know what I mean.


Woke up early with my back hurting. It really does hurt bad
a lot of the time. My ex never understood that. What, I LIKE
to wake up in sharp lower back pain at 6:15 a.m.? I tried to go back to
sleep, but it didn't work.

I'm feeling really low right now. Mentally, physically. I know
I should be happy right now about Fridays' developments,
and I am, but it doesn't magically negate whatever else is
going on in my life.

I don't mean to be a complainer. It's just that I have all this stuff
swirling around inside my mind...
I think my ex is in some sort of trouble, for one thing.
For another, I haven't really talked about my marriage, until now.
I felt very protective of my ex, and also I was/am ashamed of the
things he's done and said.

The thing is, I always believed him when he said mean things to me,
insulting things. I think I told myself " Well, he's so damned bright,
and right about other things all the time, he must be right about this,
too." In other words, the fact that I'm a dumbass. Must be true. Or
that I would be on the corner selling pencils, if it wasn't for him.
Or worse yet, one day after I'd moved out, but I needed a ride to the
hospital and had a fever of almost 102, he said " You know, no one
would want you. Not if they knew you. No one would put up with your
shit the way I have." By "shit" he meant things like taking me to the hospital.

And, in fact, that day turned out to be really serious. I'm on heart meds now,
because it was determined that my heart beats too fast all the time. And when I
got that fever, it tweeked my heartbeat and made my blood pressure go up over 200.
So it was a pre-existing unknown heart condition, basically.
I remember it so clearly, sitting in his truck, being really scared and really dizzy, not
knowing why I feel like this, I'm not on crack or speed or anything like that!
And S, driving, and saying " You know, no one would want you..."

I remember basically just collapsing in tears and feeling seriously dizzy and sick.
The thing is, he never once apologized for anything in our marriage. And he never apologized
for this, either. He's done and said much worse and never felt sorry. So why would he feel
bad about this?

I literally almost died the next day, because the hospital didn't check me out thoroughly
and sent me home. It was the fever, it threw them off. They said " You're sick, go home"
The next day at home, suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I'd been feeling so dizzy, yes, but in addition
to this now my heart felt like it wouldn't slow down. It just decided to go crazy, for no reason.
So I'm dizzy, my heart is racing, I feel nauseated, and now I realize that I've been taking
little breaths and it's getting worse. I suddenly couldn't breathe at all! My chest hurt, felt heavy and strange.
So I actually called 911... I had to!
When the paramedics got there , they plugged me in to everything, and saw that my heart was
beating a bunch of extra beats, and my blood pressure was OVER 200! Sprayed nitroglycerin
into my mouth. Etc.
One of the guys was so sweet, he was mad that the ER had let me go yesterday even though
I'd tried to tell the nurses about my heart and the dizziness.
The paramedic said " I can't believe they missed this!" And looked really disgusted.

Anyway, I wound up having to to be shot with lidocaine? Over and over, all the way to the hospital. I think it was lidocaine. I was in bad shape.
I know for a fact that I absolutely would have died or had a massive stroke had I not called 911.
The reason I mention this :

When I was in the ambulance, thinking I was dying, I couldn't stop remembering what
my ex had said the day before. And I was afraid I was going to die unloved and alone.
And I almost did. My brother lives in another city, my parents are gone, my ex and his
family were my world.
So I did literally almost die alone and unloved, with my ex's hurtful words replaying in my mind.
It's like this stuff hurts so bad and is so...embarrassing, that I couldn't talk about it before.
But just lately I'm feeling a little more confident or something. Less like I'm a piece of shit.
He called me that in an email once, said " You are a piece of shit." And other things. Not " you
are a lying piece of shit" or anything like that, merely " You, your mere existence, you are shit."

So. That is what's going on with me, I'm still trying to get over all these things. Doing a little
better despite what it sounds like.
But I still feel low and sad too often. Unresolved issues. Things left unsaid, questions left unanswered.
I'm going to post this before I lose my nerve.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Can't Go Out Tonight...

I guess I might be in a wee bit of a bad mood, because I was
supposed to go Kareoke tonight, T had asked me if I was going tonight.
Said that he and a few other musicians that I'd met last night were all going.
That's where I met him in the 1st place.

But it sucks because I just can't afford it! I really DO want to go, but
I'm too poor!
Oh, people might buy me drinks, sometimes they do already
as it is. But I wouldn't want to count on that, make people feel obligated
to do it in any way! I'm too proud and too shy to say. " I don't have the money
to go."
Ah, well. I should just be satisfied with last night, although I hope he doesn't
think I'm being rude or anti-social for not showing up tonight! I'm just not one
of those women that can freely walk up to any guy and say " Buy a girl a drink?"

I'm too unsure of the whole bar scene. Not really a bar-fly.
Don't know the etiquette, whatever.
In fact,
Last week or the week before, this guy was really
bothering me. Really bothering me. As soon as I walked in. He
was getting on my nerves so bad! For one thing, he was wearing a dirty white T-shirt,
and equally dirty jeans. No one was dressed so badly, so unclean looking, as this guy.
He must've come there from work, or an maybe an alley somewhere.
But to make it worse, he trying to pick me up but being really forceful about it and not taking
no for an answer. I wound up talking to this guy quite a bit, just in telling him No, I don't
want to sit with you, No, I have my own group of people over there, No I don't want a drink,
No!! I was nice about it, but damn!
I had to keep saying those things over and over (and over)!
I was
trying to walk past him, into the bar. I finally made it away to my friends, and
Steve the bartender came over a minute later with a drink and said, " Do you want this? It's from that guy."
He had just seen the whole exchange. He looked disgusted, like he didn't want to ask.. I said "Tell him No thank you, I'm sorry."
This guy was already so horrible, accepting a drink would've been a nightmarish mistake.

Anyway, I'm staying home tonight. Lame! So very lame!

Hang Up and Drive, Dammit!

In the old days, you knew who the drunk drivers were , and you
could stay away from them. Maybe you'd see a guy ahead of you
weaving in and out of the lanes, and you'd say to yourself, " Wow, that guy is
REALLY wasted! Better stay away from him."
And it wasn't a constant, every day occurrence, either. A once in awhile thing.
Weekends, usually.

But oh, how times have changed!

Now, I have a cell phone. I admit it. It's in my purse, and when I'm
in my car driving, it's turned off. For good reason. Look at how amazingly,
treacherously bad most people are when they are talking on the phone
and driving at the same time! Get a hands -free, people! What, are you too
goddam cheap to buy a little doohicky that you can use from your cigarette
lighter in your car( Actually, I wonder if I even have a built in cig lighter in
my own car : ) ?
But the point is, I'm sure I could figure out a way in this day and age to hook up
a hands- free phone set in my car.
Seriously, I guess people either don't care , or are completely oblivious to the
fact that they are driving scary-bad. They don't have the skills, but they think they do.
This girl in the fast lane yesterday kept slamming on her brakes, hitting them hard,
slowing down way too suddenly, and risking my life and everyone behind her .

I was already keeping a far distance, because she was also weaving and driving in two lanes at once,In addition to the sharp braking. So I was afraid of rearending her.
But at one point, when she braked sharply, forcing us all to do the same, I saw the truck behind me go to the side as he was braking, he was turning his wheel towards the shoulder. Because he was apparently following me too closely. He was going to try and go off the road to avoid hitting
me, if she decided to come to a complete halt on the freeway (in the afternoon, on a friday).
Because we couldn't get around her, that's the thing, we were stuck! Cars were whizzing
past us on the right, on the left we had the wall. She was driving so slow that our lane was
far slower then the others. I couldn't build up enough speed to get around her.
I finally got to make my move and get the hell away from her.
As I drove by I saw her talking on the phone and smiling, she was completely
oblivious. In her own world.
She had a row of cars behind her...
I've seen other people come up and tailgate the slower people in the fast lane, until they
get out of the way. But
if the idiot is oblivious, weaving dramatically, braking sharply in the freeway fastline,
and you are unable to get around for all the rushing cars coming up to your right,
then it's really asking for an accident. The person wasn't paying attention. They wouldn't
get the hint.
I looked back again... It was funny because everyone was still
behind her, stuck, and the truck behind me had moved up and was, in fact, riding her
bumper pretty close.
I had just seen her face, remember? Oblivious to everything except the phone.
Truck guy was wasting his time, and risking his life. He was making the situation
worse for the people behind him. I'd been following her speed exactly, but far enough
behind her that I had time to break more gradually.
People that do this should come to grips with the fact that they do not drive well
when they have their hand glued to their head and are carrying on a conversation
and doing god knows what else at the same time! It's not going to kill them to admit that
they can't drive and talk at the same time. But it might kill them if they DON'T admit it!


Tonight I met a bunch of different musicians. T was introducing me
to various people, some amazing jazz musicians, and when he did,
he said " This is Lisa, I'm going to be producing her album."

And it was like a dream come true. I played and sang for him tonight,
and it turned out that he liked my stuff! He said " You actually know
how to construct a song! And I like how your voice goes with your chords,
the chords are unique, and so is your voice."
And he told me that he liked my words, I know for a fact he really liked the
words to one song in particular. I'm going to get all my stuff copywritten. Published.
He said that I need to.
He has fifty million music projects going on, he's finishing up
an album right now. But supposedly, allegedly, he is going to call me in a week,
possibly two, to begin recording. Sucks, I'm still afraid that it's not going to happen.
It's the self doubt, I guess.

It was cool because when I was playing, he was listening intently, and at one point he said,
" I can definitely do something with these, these are actually good songs!"
So I'm happy, I did the hard part, which was go in there and find out if I'm good enough
for him to want to work with me. And YAY! He does! : )
I thought he might, if he actually heard me. It was the one thing I felt kinda confident about.
The music itself. He'd already heard me sing, which was how I'd even met him in the first place.

Whew!I'm so relieved!
But yet, I hope I didn't jinx myself or something, merely for spewing forth about it. I don't trust the universe when it comes to shit like this. Good things. When it comes to good things.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Nervous About Later...

Later on today/tonight, I have something going on,
and I'm feeling a little of what I suppose is "pre-performance anxiety."

It kind of feels like tonight is an audition. As I've mentioned before,
when I'm actually jamming, playing and singing, I feel good and confident.
It's the rest of the time that I wrestle with self-doubt and anxiety.
Tonight is about forcing myself to get to that point. In other words, if
I can make myself show up there, walk in with my guitar and start
playing and singing my songs, then I'll feel better. It'll be ok, I just know it.

Obviously I'm going to go. I have to. But damn, this is scary for me.
Shit. I do want to talk about this. Obviously, or I wouldn't be here
right now.
I'm probably going to jinx myself if I talk about this stuff. : (

My brother says that I shouldn't be afraid, that it's about time something
good is happening for me, after all the bad shit that's gone on the past
few years. I agree with him, but yet I still have the lingering pessimism.

We'll see, I suppose. I'm going to give it all I've got, and do my best.
"If I do my best, then I have no regrets". Direct quote from William -She bangs-Hung.
That's what he said to Simon, Paula and Randy. And even though he looks
oddly like a Mongoloid that has Mongolism, or a Mongol that is a Mongoloid,
he was/is right.
(That was a mean comment, and I didn't mean it. People shouldn't call people that
have Down's Syndrome "Mongoloids."
That always reminds me of a mean joke. A old joke. " You look like the after-effects
of a Mongolian clusterfuck." I remember once shouting this with Mike and several
other people simultaneously in front of a store . : )
I got seriously off -track there.
Anyway. Like William Hung, I am going to do my best tonight, and that's all I can do.
If it doesn't work out, I can comfort myself with that.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Creepy Subjects ( My Halloween Post)...

Something that's been creeping me out more and more is this :

For all of the advancements going on in the world, with technology,
we are now able to go deeper into the earth, higher into the heavens, etc.
and what is happening because of it?
We are finding more and more scary shit, scary because the things that are being
found are unexplainable, and go against what we know of creation. The history of
mankind, how we got here, etc. IOW, we are finding weird shit that contradicts
all we know. Rather than prove the existing theories all the more, they are throwing
monkey wrenches into the cogs of faith and logic.

Off the coast of Japan right now are pyramidal shapes deep under the water.
They actually look like Ziggurats to me. Step-pyramids that are both in South
America and the Middle- East. This is a newer discovery. They CLEARLY look
man- made. Steps!

The myterious metal spheres of Africa. Sounds like the X-files show, except that
undoubtedly X-files got the idea from the truth. There really WERE metal spheres
found fairly recently, by miners in Africa. They have tiny heiroglyphs on them.
In France, in a cave, recently, they have found inside solid rocks, a metal tube, and
a metal hammer-like tool. These prove that metal working was far older than first thought.
Which indicates that people are far older than first thought. And far more advanced
at an earlier time ( than first thought).

There are things that have the air of hoax around them.. . The Ica Stones
of Peru. These bother me for various reasons, but some of the stones were found to
have been a hoax. But that doesn't explain the 15,000 intricately carved stones that have been
found since 1592. Conquistadores found the first Ica stones. They depict strange operations
on people, etc. Man and dinosaur existing side- by- side.I do believe that some are a hoax. It's the few that I believe are real that bother me. Certain details of this case bother me. As does the Akakor case...

The Akakor case: An Indian came out of the Amazon one day to announce that he was the
last of a group of people. The story he told was crazy, but for some reason, the man he told believed him.
I wouldn't have, personally.
The man's name was Karl Brugger, and he wrote a book about it. The Indian had told a far out tale of people coming from the sky, Gods, that left stones and records with his people. Of a vast
underground city somewhere in the Amazon.
I was thinking that this Karl guy was a bullshit artist, myself. I figured that he and the Indian
cooked up a hoax.
But this is the creepy part : Shortly after he published his book about the Akakor, he was
shot and killed outside of his apartment. Hmm...

Now, this story sounds crazy, far out. I realize this. But consider that this is the place where
the famous Nazca Lines are, and the Ica stones. The Nazca lines are those huge, miles long
drawings of hummingbirds, monkeys, etc. You can only appreciate them fully from the air.
To this day scientists can't explain them.
Although I personally am veering towards the idea that they mark underground water
sites. Well sites. And yet, who really knows? People would ask me " Well then, what of the Astronaut? The plane?" Because some of the Nazca sites do look curiously like planes and
an astronaut. I don't know what's up with that. Peru is a strange, strange place.

I haven't even mentioned the Dropa Stones. In China, in the 1960's, at a dig site up in the mountains, they first found a bunch of graves. At first the scientists didn't know what to
think, because it seemed like perhaps apes or monkeys had buried their dead. The graves
were that small. But then they found skeletons.
The were very small people.
Then they found the Dropa Stones. The Dropa Stones had very tiny writing on them.
Barely visible with the naked eye. Hieroglyphs again..
The scientists allegedly ( I say allegedly here) translated the hieroglyphs, and discovered
a disturbing story.
The Dropa were people that crashed down from the sky, and couldn't go home.. They were
hunted down by the locals ( after the locals had hidden in a cave for ten days), on horseback, some of them killed. They were thought to be ugly
and repulsive. Finally some of the Dropa were spared because it was determined that they meant no harm.

Now, once again, this sounds crazy.. I realize this. But consider this part: There are still tiny
Dropa people in the mountains there, and in 1995 the Chinese people declared them to be
of an origin, species unknown! Not only that, but there are pictures of the Dropa stones,
The Dropa Stone mystery is considered to the "Roswell of China". I came across several
references to that. The Dropa are the Roswell of China.

Take this stuff with a grain of salt, obviously. But at the same time, realize this :

What would happen today if Jesus suddenly came walking out of the desert, talking about
love and being the son of God?
What would happen to Jesus today if he were to go into a synagogue and have a tantrum?
He'd get arrested. Probably a 5150 ( A loony- going -off) charge.
What if he did some miracles? Like turning water into wine? Or the fish and bread?

We'd say that he was a half-assed David Blaine, or Criss Angel. And to give up the
magic for the people that can do it.
Maybe we would think he was a Manson-like figure, and avoid talking to him.

My point: The beliefs that Christianity are based upon require even more blind faith,
blind belief, non-logic, than what I have placed before you for consideration. I will try to find some good links for the subjects mentioned above. At least there are photos and eyewitness
accounts for the things that I claim. Plus actual evidence. Metal spheres, metal tools found inside rocks, etc.

And do I have theories? Nope, not really. I think we may have come from space,
but I'm waiting to see what else the earth gives up, Or what comes from the skies,
before I can even say that.
Happy Halloween!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Trying To Figure Out Blogging...

I'm trying to figure out some of the other things I can do ,
namely, add links to other people's blogs. I've wanted to do that
before, but I still haven't completely got it. I'm just not as computer
savvy as I could be. But I'm trying to figure out how to do this because
I DO like some of the blogs I've found, and I would pass them on...

I could give you a sob-story about how the continuation school I went
to had all their computers stolen, and this is true. But I should definitely
have learned more by now! That was high school!
My ex is a computer whiz. He kept me computer ignorant purposely, so I couldn't spy on him.
Yep. : (
So as a result I'm not the most computer savvy person in the world.
But I'm learning little bits here and there. Been trying to read up on this stuff
in the blogger help section.
But so far, for the record, this is why I haven't added any links to other blogs.
I just don't know how yet!

Kurt Cobain...

This is a subject that hurts. It's like it still hits too hard, even now.
Back in the early 90's, I was a younger person, in L.A. I remember hearing
and knowing about Kurt and Courtney before any of the media caught on.

People used to whisper and gossip about their heroin use. This was right before
Nirvana hit huge. Like, right before. It wasn't that long since Courtney had been
a fat stripper at the Circus place, it's on the tip of my tongue. The place where she and other
plump ladies stripped. On Sunset. Everyone knew about it.
Ah, well.
So the rumors were going around in the local music community even before
Nirvana hit it big. I remember reading an interview with Chris Cornell in
Rolling Stone, where he says " People would be very surprised to learn
who these heroin junkies were." And my friends and I knew exactly who he was talking
about, he was talking about Kurt and Courtney.( And probably Layne Staly,
another one that breaks my heart).
I remember driving around L.A. cranking Nevermind,
like many others, I fell for Kurt. What a face.
I hated Courtney, thought she was bad for
him. Even Slash had an incident with Courtney where he insulted her, he is
a former heroin addict who knew what was up and didn't like her one bit.
Slash is so cool. This is the kind of stuff my friends and I used to talk about:
" Did you hear what Slash said to Courtney the other night? He called her a fat
junkie whore!"
See what I mean? We all knew Kurt had a problem, right from the beginning.
I'm not blaming Courtney, on principle. One has to take responsibility for
their own actions, obviously.
But damn, we all used to talk about how she strung Kurt out on heroin, and
so many people in the music world looked down on Courtney and talked trash about her!
In 91-92!
Kurt and I had certain things in common, like being left- handed and being born in WA
but living in L.A, playing guitar and singing, etc.
So I felt a kinship with him.

As you all know, the day came where he took his own life. I can still barely talk about it.
For years afterwards, even now, I will have a dream about him. In the dreams he's
always dead.
In one of the dreams he said, " Hold me, I'm so cold" and I wrapped my
arms around him to comfort him and warm him, and he had the smell of death on him.
He was co cold.
It felt so real.
I think I woke up crying.
In another one, he and I were in a boat floating down a little
river, and he gave me some flowers. And there came a fork in the river, and he said " You
can't go this way. I have to go on alone." And I climbed out of the boat and watched him continue on down the river, his blue eyes looking at me the whole time that he sailed away..
The weird thing about that particular dream is that the flowers he gave me were these weird
looking lillies. And I heard somewhere after that lillies had been his favorite flower!
I really hadn't known that!

When I was typing this just now, my eyes filled with tears. It still bothers me, after all this
time. He made some of us feel like we knew him.
I think I'm actually traumatized by his death. It hit me that hard.

The Story Of Nabonidus...

Nabonidus was an ancient Babylonian king, and by all accounts
he was eccentric, by some accounts he was nuts. I prefer to think
of Nabonidus as a "Renegade of Funk", like in the Rage Against the Machine Song:

" Now renegades are people, with their own philosophies
they change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me"

The reason that Nabonidus was thought to be nuts was that he lived at a time when
sons were killing fathers to get to the throne. Mothers killing husbands to put their
sons on the throne. Seemed to be a consistent theme all through ancient history, really.
Family members killing family members to get to the throne. Bloodbaths galore.

Nabonidus didn't want to have any part of it. All he wanted to do was spend his time
out camping in the desert, digging up ancient archeological treasures. He was obsessed
with archeology, ancient times. I believe his area of interest was Sumer.

Now, this is interesting because look at how ancient Nabonidus is. And yet even in his
time, the world and civilization was ancient. He was an archeologist!
So Nabonidus loved camping.
Nabonidus abdicated his throne, to go live out in the desert and continue his archeological work.
He's thought to be nuts mainly for this reason.
I personally don't think he was nuts, I think maybe he acted a little eccentric, but that he was crazy like a fox. Surely his bloodthirsty sons would have killed him off eventually, had he
not abdicated. To climb over his corpse to get to the throne.
And he saw more to life than just political intrigue and bloodshed. The starry skies of the desert, the stillness, the beauty. The timelessness of the desert.

I personally like camping in the desert a lot. And ancient times, ancient history. That's a passion of mine. And I'm a quirky person, myself. So I like Nabonidus, for being an oddball, and a "renegade of funk", in his own way.
Hence my moniker.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Kareoke again...

Sometimes it surprises me just what songs they have. . It's weird because kareoke is way bigger than I thought it was, in San Diego. And more "hip", I guess.
Like I thought it would be all redneck types, country music. The very first time
I sang, I did a Soundgarden song, "Burden in my hand" and it tripped me out that
it was even there in the computer! People do Nelly and 50 cent, it's there.
Sublime, 311, A perfect Circle, all kinds of stuff. Black Sabbath. I've done Cheap Sunglasses
by ZZ Top.

The music- related thing I was hoping would happen took another step forward today, and I'm
pleased about that. I want to talk about it, but I'm afraid, like I've said. Of jinxing myself.
I'm cautiously optimistic about a music- related project, let's put it that way. It's looking more
like it actually might happen. Knock- wood. Is the universe going to figuratively sodomize me if I try to talk about this? Take away the hope, the potential?
I got a call I'd been waiting for, today. I go Friday and start work on something music-related,how's that? I hope that
isn't too much said. I hope this all works out!
Damn my self- doubt! When I'm actually playing guitar and singing my songs, I feel confident,
good, but when I'm NOT playing and singing, I feel pangs of self -doubt. Questioning my skills,
when many things have shown me that people seem to like my voice, my music. I need to
just show up on Friday, the call finally came. This has been months and months in the planning,
I'm so relieved that the call came, but now the other nervousness starts. I'll just practice this
week, same as usual. You can do this, Lisa.

Torturous Questions...

My ex doesn't understand that my questions don't have
anything to do with his life now. There are certain questions I have
with regards to the marriage, but not about today. I don't want to
know what he's doing today. If I DO think about what he's
doing in his private life, I begin to think of him as being a scumbag,
bag O' pus, pathetic weirdo. Fucking idiot.
So I try not to think about his private life.

But an awful lot of money disappeared in our marriage. That's where my questions
come from. What happened? I was so trusting. I never checked the mail,
never asked questions. Trusted him completely. And now I am in financial
trouble. And he makes it sound like HE'S in financial trouble. All this
debt and financial trouble. When we didn't even have kids or own a house
or anything, and he made a good amount of money, I can tell you. Kept that a secret, too.
I brought in some money monthly, but not nearly as much. This made him hate me.
He refused to buy a house with me. Refused to even buy a nice car for himself.
You know why? He was planning for the day that he would divorce me,
and I never knew it. Turns out that he didn't want to share anything in the split.
It's funny because in our marriage, he never referred to the money as "our" money.
It was all his money, including what little I brought in, which he considered to be no money.

We had no furniture, nothing.
He was planning it all along. He must have secretly hated me, and I never knew it.
Thus my questions. I found out I owe money to the California Franchise Tax board,
and I don't even know why. I've found disturbing receipts a' plenty in our garage, including
one that is a money transfer overseas. Gifts to other women, though he started to yell
and get mad, when he thought I'd bought a magazine.
Turned out it was a 10 year old magazine. He'd just spent a 1000 bucks that I know about,
on diamond rings and gold necklaces for a co-worker. I found the receipts. Ring size 5. My ring size is 7.
Closure? What's that?
I have too many questions going unanswered, as I sit here in debt, and in emotional pain.
Sometimes I feel like I hate him now. I still kind of love him, but that is based on a lie.
I don't even have a lawyer because I'm scared of him. .

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Kinda Bummed...

I should've gone to Kareoke Saturday night. I didn't go. Didn't
really have the money, plus I was letting my depression get the best of me.
I've noticed that if I can make myself go, I wind up being really happy and glad
that I did go. It's like the applause lifts me out of my depression for a week, until
it's time to go again.
And the songs I do can be cathartic. It helps me to just belt stuff out, I can't really sing quietly
anyway. (See Kareoke list in previous post here somewhere. 50 songs, something like that)

Voices Carry -Til Tuesday- really cathartic, but as I've mentioned previously, when I went outside to smoke afterwards I was teary- eyed, choked up. I'd had girls, women, swaying and dancing in front of me asI sang that one. A lot of the songs I do are requests, Like "War Pigs" and "Fairies Wear Boots".

I'm a really friendly "chick" and when I show up, people come up and ask me what I'm going to
sing. I realized weekend before last just how connected I was in people's minds, connected with
singing, music. I mean, I knew that, but not to the degree that it has gotten.

There are certain exciting things going on, but I'm afraid to jinx myself by mentioning them.
It has to do with music, and that's all I'm going to say. If you are reading this, wish me luck.
It's a Gypsy way to keep quiet about
things that might go well. IOW, I read once that Gypsys keep quiet about things for fear
that they might ruin it. I probably said too much already.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I Don't Like Liars...

I'm really sick of people that lie. It's weird because
I really am an unusually honest person, I admit my flaws,
if I've made mistakes, if I don't like someone. And yet I have
somehow accumulated many liars in my life. It seems like it just
wound up that way, but what if I am subconsciously drawn to these
In any case, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of pretending that I don't know people
are straight up lying to me, and I've recently gotten rid of people that were poison
in my life, and it's made major positive changes. Poisonous liars. Game
players. I'm so sick of games, and bullshit and secrets. Fucking sick of it.
(But you know, it was weird because my life improved dramatically afterwards, like
a sign from the universe. Once I shook certain people, things got dramatically
better, right away).

That's another reason I'm afraid of new people, men mostly..
Aren't they going to lie, too? And what kind of secrets do THEY have?
I feel very tired when I think of starting a new bunch of bullshit. A new
"friendship" or "relationship." It's all just too much. I'm just too tired.
The people in my life that were supposed to be my loyal friends and husband
turned out to basically be liars. I can cite countless examples of why.
So I'm traumatized by the scum in my life. I have tried hard to get rid of these
"people". And I believe I have finally succeeded.

So I'm sick of relationships where I do all the trusting and all the giving and
wind up being the one to get fucked over. I'm referring to the "people" in my life
that were sposed to be my friends. If I were to go into detail, you'd understand
why I speak so harshly. But right now it's too late to get all riled.
But let's just say that I am rethinking certain things lately about my life and the
people that I know. I sure spend a lot of time alone for someone that is supposed to have
It's hard when the only people I've let in don't drive. My brother doesn't drive,
my currently closest friend doesn't drive. And to be honest, I don't even trust them,
and there are good reasons.
But I'd rather be alone than make more lying mistakes for friends. So there's that, at least.
I'd rather be alone than fall for lies again. Some people can't seem to help themselves
when it comes to lying
It's late and I'm tired. : ( .

Monday, October 10, 2005

Saturday Night...

Went back to the bar, made myself. I'm very glad that I did.
It was good to take such a long break, it made me bolder when
I did go back. And I saw things with a new, clearer perspective.

Guys have been waiting for me to be interested, for a long time now. When I first started
going there, about a year ago, about 20 different guys asked me for my number.
I couldn't even tell you how many numbers I've gotten, cumulatively, over time.
I'm talking about where they ask for my number, and I would say
" Um, I'm kind of nervous about that, but I would take your number."
Ok, now, if this is some kind of major dating/ social no-no, I didn't not know
this at the time..
I'm sorry you guys, if that makes me sound like a bitch, or stuck up.
It was more a case of just being very afraid of stalker types, because of
various problems.
BUT!!! This turned out to be an inadvertanly good screening tool, and weeded out some real
But I'm confessing... I would come home every weekend with numbers in my
pockets, I'd pull my keys out of my pocket and there'd be slips of paper falling out.
3 or 4 at a time. They added up. You figure a few every weekend, for quite a long time.

This is fact, this isn't me thinking oh, I'm all that. I get all these phone numbers all the time.
I think I have the kevorka, Kramer had it on Seinfeld. I'm Kramer on Seinfeld. I'm certainly
not the most attractive, whatever. I think part of it is personality. And I think I'm easy to talk
to. Quirky maybe. Approachable in a girl- next- door- way?
But you know, I get the most awesome compliments from girls, young ones! A lot of them
hate me! And they don't realize that when they walk by me giving me those hating looks, it's
like they are paying me the ultimate compliment. They view me as a rival, a threat. If I were
really fat and ugly and old, they would probably be nice. Think of me as a girlfriend, a confidant but not any sort of competition.
But that actually hasn't happened in a long time. I get along really well with everyone now,
and it's now almost like Cheers when I walk in, everyone says " Lisa!Hey!" And look really happy. I smile and say hi to the girls that used to give me hating looks, all of that.

Whatever coldness that was there when I first went there, before I started singing.
Actually, there have been many funny instances of girls being cold and mean initially,
and then I win/won them over. I thinking it has to do with the choices of songs I've
done, it really broke the ice when I was first going there. War Pigs blew everyone's mind,
including my own.
Girls are just like that, though. I've learned this. I didn't know it until I started going out to
a club/bar scene.. I guess
I was used to getting a friendly reaction from everyone when I went out in the world.
Maybe things have changed, or I have changed, or both.
I was trying to say that I have been afraid of guys because of certain problems I've
had. I've written about a few of them previously. Americas Most Wanted guy. Guy that followed
my bus in LA. Etc.
I kid you not, in a bizarre twist right out of a movie, I had two, not one but two guys
stalking me at the same time. They probably saw each other, one on the other side
of the street, in a white truck, and AMW guy standing down below and looking up
or waiting for me at the mailbox just to freak me out. Etc.

One guy was my boss, the other guy was the clerk at 7-11 that lived in my apartment
building and turned out to be featured on Americas Most Wanted for a crime in
northern california. Rather, he saw on the website that he was going to be on TV the very
next week. The topic of that week's show? " Stalkers" .
He'd cut my phone line that very day or two before turning himself in.

Imagine what that's like, and I really did keep my sense of humor about it,
because I had to. Like, even though I was really scared, I DID mention to others:
" Maybe the two of them will run into each other down there, and get in a fight -wasn't that in Something about Mary?" Because like I said, Imagine what that's like to look out of
your second story apartment window and see a white truck parked across the street,
and you knew it was your then- boss. But you also see the other guy, the inappropriate neighbor
7-11 clerk who has said many inappropriate and scary things, and no one could or would do anything about it. And they are both watching you at the same time.
I really DID wonder if they were going to catch on to each other.

White truck guy stopped pretty quickly, when he found out that I knew, but AMW guy's behavior escalated.
AMW saved my ass, and I'm going to start crying if I think about it anymore. He
had access to the apartment keys and told me that. And unlocked my door and
left it open so that when I got up the next day my front door was standing wide open.
It was unlocked and opened. It was the same night that my phone had been cut.
I had slept that night with my cell phone in my bed.
And when he turned himself in, it was the best timing in the world.
But as a result, I got really scared about giving my number out.
So this past weekend I finally told everyone about this. What I've just told you.
And it was the best thing I could have done, because certain guys that
I've gotten to like are now seeing me as approachable, and they understand now
why I was so shy about that subject.

Because I know I confused them. Maybe I still do. I seem to be friendly, and nice,
approachable, and then I come off as unavailable the next minute. Not sure how to describe it,
except that I'm aware of it and I'm now trying to change that. Not in a slutty
way or anything. Just, there are a couple of guys that I like, and they were much more
forward in the beginning. And yet if anything, they've gotten more
interested. More interested in me as a person. Like maybe there are a couple of
guys there with deeper feelings and maybe I could feel the same if I let myself...
We all have such good talks, and they really do seem to have respect for me. I
I kind of feel like I know these guys, at this point. So it's time to try and let go of my fears
a little.

So I confessed the AMW story and gave one of them my phone number and the other
guy I had a really good talk with, and said " Look, I think you're kinda cute, and I
think you're smart, we've had enough talks for me to know that. "
THAT WAS MAJOR. Do you know how brave that is?
To say that to someone at a club that you've had a flirty, scary, intense, mysterious thing
with and they are equally shy? And give you mixed signals?
And I was even sober enough to remember it! : )
The person was pleased, I could tell. I'm myself am pleased about that night.

So we'll see what happens, if anything. My throat is thrashed, I have laryngitis.
I was so full of feeling when I sang Saturday night that I woke up yesterday with no voice.
But it felt good to be back belting it out. Singing Joni Mitchell and Ozzy Osbourne.
There was a cool kid there in a fedora, reminded me of someone I used to know.
The kid sang Johnny cash all night, it was great. He had an excellent voice.

I do want to write about Rick M. sometime:
" He strode purposefully across the Serra Mesa square.
Fedora. Long ringlets of shiny brown hair.
Wife beater T-shirt, Levis, shower thongs with white gym socks.
He had the face of Billy Idol, but with those long, shiny brown curls.
" Eyes without a face" was currently playing on MTV and everyone
in the neighborhood had joked about the resemblance."

Let me once again say that I know I'm not all that, I know! It's just that maybe I make
people feel comfortable around me, and that is an attractive quality. And I
can be funny. Personality really IS what it boils down to with guys. I'm talking about
if a guy likes a pretty girl, and it turns out that she has a lame personality. He'll usually
wind up dumping her.
I realize guys are shallow, but I think they might get a bad rap sometimes on that stuff.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Mayor Of New Orleans Is Bad News...

Nagin. I think that's his name. That guy is bad news.
Maybe it's the fingers encrusted with huge jewels that he uses to point
blame at others.
Since day one that guy has bothered the hell out of me. He's actually to blame for
a lot of what went wrong, he waited four days before even asking for help. But
he was screaming the loudest in blaming others for showing up late.
I'm pretty sure he's laying off thousands of workers in a ploy for more money,
but I think there's more to it. I think this guy is using Katrina to cover his own
ass, retroactively. In other words, whatever huge discrepancies
in the city's budget prior to Katrina can now be overlooked.
If Katrina hadn't happened, that guy would've probably been held accountable at some future
time for big problems with the city's budget. But since everything is now going to be fixed,
he's skating away clean.
And yet...
Maybe he still will be held accountable at some further time. He should actually be investigated,
his personal financial records, etc. An independent investigative committee should go after that guy.
I just bet Nagin has serious dirt on him. I'm not talking about family scandal, although I'm
sure he's got some of those. We all do, really. I'm strictly talking about financial dealings, city issues.
I have no doubt that guy would be exposed as being shady and hurtful to the city of New Orleans.