Happier Subject -My Cats and Music...

My cats love my music. It's really cute. They get alll happy when I pick up my guitar
and start playing. Start acting perky and playful. I used to wonder if I was torturing
them, hehe, but they are clearly acting happy and not wounded. And they also act the same way for Nick Drake, and certain Yes songs. They really love N.D. I'll look over while listening or playing music, and my boy cat will be leaping through the air playing by himself, or my ancient girl cat will be playing with him, unusually perky herself. They're so cute.
Although it can be distracting when they knock things over while I'm trying to play and record. You can hear them in my clips. Happens a lot. It's almost like they're dancing. :)

Protecting Myself...

In the interest of protecting myself, but NOT out of protecting him anymore, I deleted
those previous posts. I was so determined that for ONCE the truth be told and that I protect myself. But I really believed he didn't read my blog.
I only got specific recently.
At the least I will again officially note that he filed AFTER talking to me on the phone the other day and declaring that he HAD already filed. He lied about this. Not that it matters but it proves that he lies.Even for things that aren't even important.I guess he would want the chance to present his case first in court. Whomever files gets this.
But I will probably continue to watch what I say about him here. Even though he doesn't deserve it. He's bigger and meaner and scarier than I am.
IOW, there IS a chance that he's reading this stuff. And I was just reminded of this.

Interruptions...

Take 1:

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And Take 2 ( this is funny because it came out tight, but then I'm so used to getting interrupted by a certain point that I actually get confused when nothing interrupts me!). :

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The Wonders Of Stress...

Well, that's something anyway. In all my stress and not eating, suddenly my clothes started falling off today. My pants literally fell down. The same jeans I wore to the Hotel Cafe a few weeks ago are now so loose that I can remove them simply by walking around. Or even standing, probably, without a belt to hold them up. I admit I had to wear a belt to the Hotel Cafe, too. But still.
Well, that's a positive in the middle of negatives. Although I have to be careful to
not gain it right back.

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*note* Brown shirt, hehe, hanging off of me now - and I wasn't sucking in my stomach,
either. I've lost about 10 -15 more pounds making the total from last year's loss and now to 35 pounds:)I realize I'm not a twig, and I don't want to be, really.But It's nice being back (almost)to what I was before I was married. Waaaay long time ago.

I did make myself eat last night. Almost felt like drugs. I felt really good afterwards.:)
I haven't eaten yet today but I do feel a little hungry. Probably the 1st time I've felt hungry in weeks. I hate that feeling of trying to force yourself to eat when nothing looks or sounds good. When you absolutely don't want to. :(
As you all know, it's not drugs. Actually, I suppose that's something positive, too. I'm not drinking or taking any drugs of the sort that people take when they want to run away from pain.
You all continue to be a real source of comfort for me. Thank you.:) xoxoxoxo
*note* in the background you can see my fridge-check out what living near the ocean has done to it.That's not grime, that's rust! I scrub it, but...

Afraid...

I need to get going with what I'd been talking about in a previous post. I need to go meet with someone at this org that I mentioned, but I'm afraid. And yet nothing's getting solved or even worked on while I sit and fret and worry about being homeless.
In fact I'm in worse physical pain lately because of it.
I've made a vow that before this week is over, I will do what I was talking about doing. Wish me luck and include me in prayers, if you can. I'm really frankly outright terrified. :(

I Did It!

I am on Youtube now! :)
I actually figured it out, how to upload a video. I posted IMTOD. The neat thing is that you can also sit there with your webcam and make a video that goes right into Youtube! I haven't done that yet, of course. I have to many interruptions here when trying to record anything. It's the planes.
I guess this would be a copy and paste thing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHZ_Y7a_Xqs


Already a surprising amount of viewers! Even 20 is more than I expected in a short amount of time!:)

Yay! My Timing Is Much Improved!

Photo Sharing - - -

I gave this a rest and picked it back up today - my new blues song.
I can hear the improvement already! :) It's only one minute.
Not only is my timing improved, but I came in more refined in the beginning
of this one,
those high notes were a little too harsh sounding in the other clip.:)
Thanks everyone for giving me the right advice recently. It helped more than you know.
I'm feeling stronger today.:)
*Note* I changed my profile pic to match my current moods/modes. It's Sunday, I'm cleaning house. Feeling better about my life at the moment, a little stronger. :)
Thanks again everyone. xoxoxoxo

Yet more...

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More reposts Of Pics:

Climbing Angkor Wat ( check out my feet hanging off the steps -but I made it up there!)...

Photo Sharing - - -

And sat up front to get this one ( Thanks, "Ben" :)...

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This is the Killing fields. I couldn't take many more photos while here. It felt wrong to me:(

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos

Reposts(just some recent pics of note):

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
My webcam moving itself.


Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
Again, last month.

My Life Is Falling Apart...

It's official. I'll be lucky if I'm not homeless this time next month.
Why do I protect him? At the end of this month it would be our 17th wedding anniversary. He took everything during our marriage, stashed it away, kept me ignorant of computer matters and worse, afraid to use them. Then he apparently
spent it, he acts like if I divorce him I'll get nothing, that it's gone, but also
he makes little comments at times that sound mysterious and foreboding. what did he do?
I haven't got anything. He even kept all the flashlights and batteries..so that when I was without power for almost 3 days in Santee due to the fires, I had no flashlights, nothing. The coolers, ice chests,there was nothing useful.It's like he was paranoid that I would be a goldigger so he methodically all through our marriage stashed everything of value away. He even took back a coin that he'd given me as a gift! I brought in some money, but not much, I admit. But that's all he cared about with regards to me. It was steady check.
He doesn't want a divorce because all the facts are going to come out, I'll no doubt be devastated to learn he has a second wife or some such shit. Nothing would surprise me. A Lifetime movie.
And yet he lied to his mom and everyone -Yeah, he's been trashing me when as you all know, I've been good about not trashing my ex. Been lying to his family saying that he's been giving me 2 thousand a month! All this time!
When I have been whittling down whatever I had for savings in my IRA and now I'm broke!
When my Doc tells me that I'm entitled to alimony because of disability!
I have not been getting money from him most of the time these days. Certainly not ever what he claimed! I'm really scared of him, though.
He was just here screaming at me tonight. He was furious with me. Because I asked him to help me with the rent. Because we never bought a house. But if you guys
only knew. I even told him how I've been selling little things off so not to ask him for money. Just to have gas for my car etc.Groceries.
He said that we do need to get the divorce going, I agree. But he doesn't want me to talk to a lawyer or know anything about how this stuff works. He wants me to get a job and thats what he screams at me about. I tell him that I hurt, and that there's reasons I'm on disability, but he says it's not his problem. :( I know it's not but
I thought ...:(
Just so you know,I'm not ungrateful for his help. I'm really not. But I literally spent all of my IRA, etc. I didn't leave the marriage with assets of any kind.
Except for that. He tried to keep it but they tracked me down and gave it to me. Janus the IRA people.. :(
My point is that I can't keep silent about him anymore when I know he's trashing me to his parents, who I love and who loved me a lot..
They know him. I think his parents know they are lies but it still makes me sick and is why I say something NOW.
I'm through protecting him when all he has done is villify me for no reason. And kick me when I'm down.
Just because it makes him easier to live with himself, if he tells himself I'm the devil, and lazy.
He's made himself the victim. But in reality, the facts of everything speak for themselves. I've gone through some self-loathing recently over my failure to stand up for myself and for letting myself get into this situation. For not working even though I genuinely have legit problems.
He doesn't ever read my blog, I don't think.
Aw, you guys, something embarrassing: After he left, one of the neighbor girls came and brought me food! lol I was a little confused, it was very sweet, it was dinner.
Chicken and rice. Really good, although I was too upset at the time.
But the awful part is that when I was walking by my kitchen window, I realized it was open. Yep. :(
She must've heard the whole thing. This happened to me once before a really long time
ago,I've tried to be careful about crying with the window open here. The other neighbors came over then, too.:)
Anyway, that was so sweet of her, but I feel horrified for what she must've heard.
I sounded truly, truly pitiful, pathetic, wimpy, take your pick. Him screaming what a loser I am, me crying.

I guess this is my way of trying to sort this out. I've been crying all night and I'm sick of it. Pardon the rambling :(
I've just been so scared lately.

Most Excellent Show...

They kicked out the jams for Roger's Birthday.:)
I need to look around for reviews of last night's show to help me outline my own. I did write a few things to a friend last night. I was amped up after I got home. Since she liked one of the things I wrote in particular, I might go ahead and post it here:

" Aw, there was this couple next to me, the guy was so excited, he kept high -fiving me. He couldn't believe they were doing ...oh, various things. Pinball wizard. See me feel me (Listening to you). He was one of those good natured types that high-five's people a lot, I guess.
They were so cute. The woman, she was a little high, something. But I tried to high- five her, too, after I high -fived her husband because we were having a happy little moment, but she didn't understand. So I patted her on the shoulder and smiled
in an understanding way. But it was sweet, a second later her husband took her hand, by her wrist, held it out, and she took my hand in a very warm friendly grab. She just didn't understand initially, and I guess he wanted me to know it. But when she got it she was very enthusiastic and really grabbed my hand hard and smiled. So it was almost like a 3 people victory hand joining.
I'm trying to describe a very cool slightly corny moment but not doing a good job of it. :)
I like how music can make people like family temporarily.
But Roger and Pete, they put that vibe in the air tonight. Definitely Rog is feeling it intensely, that family /friend love, all of what Pete is putting out. And it's so infectious.Plus Pete was just so ON musically, wow.
I've been to a lot of concerts that didn't make people feel close like that."

Sorry, that's all I got for now. :)
****Note***** Poor Metalchick! She just called me, she wants to post about last night
at her blog, but there's problems with her connection up there. So her review will be
postponed until then. I feel for her, that would be frustrating.And it was a helluva show.:) I'm glad she made it home safely.